First impressions: For as much as I hate my generation, this may be the shining beacon of hope. This is my generation's computer, Model T, etc. Birthday Sex. It even sounds awesome and totally not something Jeremiah made up to get laid. As a social experiment, take a piece of trash and give to someone while saying "hey, I got you a present." Most of the time, they instinctively accept the trash, before realizing what it is. I am hoping that birthday sex is like this.
I am amazed at how Jeremiah can take something that is obviously all about him and repackage it as a gift. He says he knows she wants it, even if they only go to his house, sit on the couch, and drink. Meaning, he gets to drive a short distance, not have to pay for a hotel motel Holiday Inn, and he can get her drunk, so birthday sex is even easier. Jeremiah is the Tom Sawyer of our day. Yes, Jeremiah, I would like to paint you fence. That sounds awesome. He then renames his drunken horniness as passion, making the girl feel special for being the one to find it.
The next verse is again all about him and how he wakes up fiending for her body. He, in another genius move, says "you don't need candles and cake, just need your body to make birthday sex." It was HIS responsibility to get the birthday cake, but he makes it sound like it's a favor to her that they no longer need candles/cake. Like for your third birthday when all you wanted was a big wheels but your dad came home with cinder blocks and said they were way better because you could build stuff and play with them more and all you wanted was a big wheels and you fell and hurt yourself on the cinder blocks and they still wouldn't fucking give you a big wheel. That's what this girl probably feels like. When you want cake, dick is no substitute.
In describing the birthday sex, to be blunt it does not sound appealing. It's so unenjoyable that during their "wrestling" he has to beg her not to tap out even though she's thirsty and has some STD that makes her mouth taste like Hersheys. If the wrestling metaphor wasn't doing it for you, he switches to an ocean themed sexcapade. The idea is about the same but instead of wrestling and tapping out, he's diving into her ocean and floating on his water bed. Very classy and subtle.
He finishes with one final disappointment. She specifically asked for roses on the bed, and instead got him for hours instead. I can only imagine him as the black George Castanza, back arched, ready to please, tighty whiteys like the last clean bit of snow in an Alaskan oil spill. But again, he spins it into a positive, and the tradition of birthday sex is born. (How do you celebrate? Trip to Vegas).
The logic employed by Jeremiah propels him lowly horny shmuck to uber-genius. He takes something he really wants, suggests they do it in the way that is most beneficial to him, and then makes it seem as if he is doing a favor for his girl. If she protests he again makes it seem like enduring will better for both of them. Whatever her opposition, just reassure her that it's in her best interests to do what you want, and it'll be better in the end. This man has wisdom to share, and I will follow him near and far to find the Jedi mind tricks he employs to brainwash the female race.
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