Telephone by Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce (Knowles)

First impressions: Gaga is at a club, where she has no service, and is apparently busy. Despite this, she is talking on the telephone to someone who called her earlier, while she was busy/without service. She is thus either a liar or has a magical phone. She clearly has service, because she can call him back, unless her new ESP powered iPhone just arrived. I don’t like two things: hippies and psychic-voodoo-santeria witchcraft, so I don’t like this song already.

She goes on to say that she can’t hear him, and this is due to her being "kinda busy". I know what she means. I really wanted to clean my apartment last week, but I was kinda busy sitting on the couch. There is no way she's going to be free enough to hear him. But the caller does not believe her, and presses further as to the nature of her business. She soon admits that the real reason she's too busy to talk to the caller is because her favorite song is going to play. It's not playing now, but it will soon, and she wants to be ready for when it does play. This is perfectly logical. You may be thinking "can't she just text him?" This question, too, is answered. She cannot, because she has a drink in her hand. As everyone knows, it is impossible to text with just one hand. Phones were not made to be used by anyone with less than 10 fingers, as to keep the undesirables from making calls. No one wants to hear the story of how you lost your arm. Again. Back to Lady. So far, her story checks out. As with any good negotiation, she makes a good counteroffer: make plans with her when she's not busy. Now she's almost busy, and her song is almost on, and it's way too much to ask to try to talk to her. Do you try to interview the resident right before it's almost the day before a speech? No. You don't.

Apparently, the caller does not accept the upcoming playing of Lady's favorite song as a valid reason for why she can't talk, and in her panic she comes up with these reasons: she doesn't want to think anymore, she doesn't want to talk anymore (the only valid reason given), she left her head and her heart on the dance floor, and she's sipping champagne. From this we can conclude that she refuses to use her brain, and her hand and heart are lost as well. She's losing all her major organs, and I can only assume that her liver is next by the amount of bub she drinks in this song alone. This seems like the subject for another song, though. We don't want to make this one too complicated and hard to understand. As a side note, I don't understand how she can drink champagne without her head, but can't figure out how to text with one hand.

Now Beyonce (Knowles) comes in to back her friend up. Apparently the incessant calls and/or texts have caused them both a great deal of heartache and stress. It is doubtful that they even got to enjoy their favorite song that was about to come on it a little bit. Beyonce's phone clearly has the same shortfalls as Lady's. There is no way to silence the calls, or block a number from calling her phone. There is also clearly no power button, and as a result she is constantly embarrassed by her blaring cellphone ringing all the time. Wouldn't it be a happy coincidence if her ringtone was Lady's favorite song? I think that'd make a perfect Lady Gaga song. She could call it "Ringtone," and it would have just as much substance as any of the other mindless drivel she produces. But I digress.

When it comes down to it, this song is really a cry for innovation in the telephone industry. Gaga uses the archaic term telephone, despite everyone else calling them "phones," "cellphones," "iPhones" etc. She artfully draws up the feelings of angst, anxiety, and sheer frustration that come to mind when we reminisce on when we used telephones, so long ago. Gaga needs a phone with many features currently unavailable on cellphones: a way to turn off the phone, so the night is not a disaster; a way to turn down the ringer on the telephone, perhaps with another feature where the phone could buzz or vibrate to signal an incoming call; a way to block incoming calls from a certain number; a way to text with one hand, maybe by installing a full keyboard or a way for one button to represent 3 or 4 letters. Though this technology is not on the horizon, maybe someday it will be here, and we can all just dance in bliss, without these disasters. After all, the Jetsons dared to dream, and now I live in a city above the clouds and commute in a hover-car. Is it really too much to ask to have our phones be dance-floor friendly?

Bed Rock by Young Money

First impression: what the fuck is this song about? From the first stanza we can see that she has a nice ass, he kills time (and is therefore a murderer), he "knocks her lights out", she has a nice ass (still), and he is training her for some kind of athletic event. She is also cold and hot simultaneously (crazy?! I know). This song seems to be a roller coaster already, I just hope I can hang on.

He now switches his tone, saying he likes the girl to walk toward him. This is in stark contrast to the first stanza, in which he said he likes to watch her leave. I don't know if he's dumb and forgot what he JUST SAID, or if this line is supposed to be in addition to his first statement. Only time will tell. Gudda Gudda (that's his name, I guess) now goes into a ramble more inane than his ridiculous name. In a series on non-sequiturs he ends with "grocery bag." We can only infer what he means, since this phrase is simply inserted at the end with no clue as to what it means. I have deduced that there are only two probable solutions: 1) he has murdered a woman (he already admitted to killing time and stealing love, so his rap sheet could be long), and is now carrying her around in a grocery bag or 2) he has purchased a woman, either by the hour or from a guy in an alley, and thus it is akin to his groceries, which he carries in a: Grocery Bag.`

Lloyd now takes over this mindless, aimless rant, and spouts off more slightly clever, very remedial similes and tried-and-failed pick up lines. He begins by addressing his object of affection as baby. good start. He then says he's stuck to her like glue. I think a more apt description is "I'm stuck to you with gross Hennessey-induced sweat, baby." He then says his room is the g-spot. He clearly could not find the g-spot, and thus decided to change the meaning of it all together to hide his shame. When all else has failed (which it most certainly has) he reverts back to one of the best pickup lines based on a cartoon ever created : you can call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bed rock.

Having failed to get anywhere with Lloyd and Wayne, aka Dumb and Dumber, the duo tags in a female singer, Nicki Minaj. With a voice that is sure to send dogs running, Nicki renders a heartfelt, tear-inducing ballad. I weep for anyone who makes the mistake of talking to this girl. Not only does she clearly not know how to describe her sex life (putting your pussy on a guy's sideburns is not sexy/satisfying/remotely erotic. I don't care what your vagina has to say, so don't put it to my ear). The last lines are too dumb to reiterate, leading us to believe that the guys from stanzas one and two have now lowered their standards and are hitting on girls on the Special Olympics. Bestest is not a word! Anyone who took a third grade English class knows that best is the superlative. Like Nicki is the ShittiEST rapper ever and listening to her singing gives me the biggEST headache. The "est" implies it's the top, and there is thus no need to put a second "est" on the end, as in bestEST.

Drake takes over the mic, and his serenade reveals that he has also lowered the bar on physical attractiveness, having already taken the bar down as far as mental capacity goes. Drake would like a girl with a "sushi roll" which is hotter than wasabi. The heat is most likely the result of the many infections this fine, large woman has developed over the years. He races for her love. If he's racing her in a footraces, I bet he wins. He says he needs GPS to find her, presumably because the only way to find her is from an aerial view.

For Tyga, the next rapper in this sad, sad line, he doesn't even need a woman who is anything like him. She likes tanning, romancing, Oxygen, lotion, and roller coasters. He likes his friends (not in a gay way, though), ESPN (because he's straight, remember?). He likes taking naked pictures of this girl (again, he's straight, you know). The girl then spouts off some lines that have nothing to do with anything, indicating it is again Nicki Minaj singing, because no one else in the world is seriously this dumb.

The last singer, Jae Millz, goes for the "Ms Independent type." This go-girl gets mad when you call her gorgeous rather than flawless, and thinks that this makes her independent, not bitchy. We don't get much insight into this girl, as Millz focuses mainly on himself, and how he feels. This could spell trouble for any relationship these two may have, because no matter how independent she is, she still needs attention.

This song is clearly about the perils of the dating world, and how hard it is to find a girl who not only meets your ever-lowering standards, but will also respond to bad pickup lines and reward them with bedrocking. The song is really saying that true love is hard to find, and we all should compromise. Some compromise on their intillectual standards, while others are lax on physical attractiveness. Still others don't even need a girl who is like them in any way. Some people will relax all these needs and be willing to date Nicki Minaj. Taking a cue from Stephen Stills: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Bedrock is simply a modern twist on a classic tale, just with more made-up words, incomplete thoughts, and inane ideas than normal.

One Time by Justin Bieber

First impression: Justin Bieber is a liar. He has already told me three times.

JB clearly has a heart condition, as a person’s heart should not go knock knock. His stomach also seems to be suspect, as he has constant butterflies. It is interesting that he does not see a doctor about these ailments. It is also worrisome that he seems to want to climb a mountain (of love). Any mountain climbing can be bad for someone with a heart condition. I don’t know if this is a cautionary tale. Only time will tell.

He seems to be trying the age-old courting tactic of finding common ground. He goes a little far, though, when he tries to woo the object of his affection. He establishes that they are both on the same planet (your world is my world). He then goes deeper and says he’s on her side (your fight is my fight). But then it gets a little creepy when he says that her breath is his breath. I don’t know how possible that is, but it’s sure creepy.

I still believe this is a cautionary tale for those with heart problems. At 16, JB already believes that he is in love. At this point, I think this song is an ode to his xbox. Or his blow dryer, judging by his hair. I have a feeling this is one of those questions that won't be answered until the sequel comes out.

Whoever this song is to, she looks really deep inside JB’s 16 yr old heart and humbles him. I assume this is because he has done some terrible, despicable things in his life, and she is now blackmailing him. This theory is supported when he says “many have called but the chosen is you” and “whatever you want I’ll give it to you.” JB has done so many bad things, that he’s had many blackmailers before. Now he’s gotten to the point where he has done something so bad that he has to give this girl whatever she wants. He can't hide anymore.

It seems that what his blackmailer wanted was for Justin to tell her one time that he loves her. This leads me to the conclusion that this girl is blackmailing him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCm8tdHkfI . He seems to have developed Stockholm syndrome, as he is now sympathizing with his blackmailer and her fight. It also appears that the reason they share the same breath is because he has kidnapped her, and they are in the same room. We can only guess that Justin is being held against his will and is trying to communicate with us covertly through this song.

His admission of love was not convincing enough. He told her more than 10 times that he loves her, and yet she does not believe him. He tries more lines, like “you’re my #1 girl” and she his one love yadda yadda yadda. He ends up offering everything he owns “down to his last dime.” He ends the song with a desperate plea for the girl not to shatter his squeaky clean image. It’s all he has, and it would ruin him if his secrets come out. Look for the sequel to this song “I told you one time (then I pulled the trigger).”

This song is Bieber’s “Confessions.” Think Tiger Woods if he could sing. It tells of his harrowing journey to deal with his deep secrets, and the one girl who knows him best (and wants to extort every dime out of him). He is almost certainly being held somewhere until his captor is convinced that he loves her. We can only hope the authorities get to him in time.

Tik Tok by Ke$ha

First impression: Kesha feels black this morning. Read what you want into that, but that’s just how she feels. She has poor eyesight, poor dental hygiene, and has a memory disorder because she can never make it back home. Maybe this song is about the guy from Memento. Let’s listen more and find out.

She clearly has some messed up priorities. She gets pedicures on her feet, which no one will most likely see, but she doesn’t brush her teeth, so she has Jack breath all day long. I hope she doesn’t have an office job, because nothing kills a meeting like someone who reeks of whiskey (so my coworkers have told me). She meets up with her pyromaniac friends, who proceed to blowup her phone. At this point, she has no phone, and just wants to get a little tipsy. Understandable, whenever my friends blow mys hit up I just wanna get blackout drunk and destroy their stuff, too

She has apparanelty brought her own speakers to the party, and the DJ blows them up, at her command. We are now left wondering if she was in fact the victim of the earlier phone explosion, or if she blew it up herself, perhaps to avoid calls from debtors. She plans on fighting tonight until sunlight (or about 10 more hours, depending on the time of year). The tick tock on the clock clearly refers to a timer for a fight of some sort. This piece of information tells us that it is in fact an organized fight, so we can assume for now it’s some sort of UFC fight club with a penchant for order. She has plenty of beer and no money. Those two facts probably have a cause-and-result relationship. Many men are lining up, presumably to fight in the aforementioned fight club. But in order to keep her record good, she doesn’t fight them unless they look like Mick Jagger: frail, old, and likely to pass out by 11 pm. She is, to be cliché, fighting smarter, not harder.

They fight all night until they lose, or get kicked out by the 5-0. This will most likely preclude her from being able to fight until the sunlight. The police most likely would not come to an underground fight club unless there was a noise complaint. This would only happen if there were many people in the club. Thus we can assume that Kesha is part of a massive underground fight club. It’s hard to determine which one, as no one ever talks about them. The last half of the song is just a recap of what happened previously.

Her heart pounds (due to the beer, adrenaline, and steroids necessary to fight for 10 hours). We do learn, though, that DJ is not a disc jockey. It is in fact the name of the police officer. She puts her hands up, then jokingly tells him to put his hands up. Even when she’s getting arrested by her good friend DJ, she can at least keep her sense of humor.

In the end, this anthem of the underground fighter is masterfully told by the smart, funny, and always coherent narrator. We get a glimpse into a relatively unknown segment of society, and only through deep analysis can we piece the puzzle of this song back together. The documentary "Fight Club" shed some light into the perils of an underground fighter, but it simply wasn't enough. By bringing this issue to the forefront again, Kesha has ensured that someone will listen to the pleas of the millions of families affected by underground fight clubs every year. I await the congressional hearing.

Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus

First impressions: she's on a plane, so she's obviously high class. She's not from LA, she's obviously not high class. This song makes no sense already, but I'll go with it. She's driving by the Hollywood sign and it's on her left, she's likely going down Hwy 405. When the sign is directly to her left (as she alludes to in the song) she would be at Los Angeles National Cemetery. Thus, we can conclude that she is in town for a funeral. Judging by the song so far, it may be the death of music as we know it. At the funeral, there are many famous people. Since Los Angeles National Cemetary is primarily for veterans, we can conclude nothing about the identity of the dead man. Her tummy's hurting, probably because she is so blackout drunk at the funeral that she just can't hold it in anymore (her emotions).

She skips past the details of the funeral, most likely because she doesn't remember much else, and she's back in a taxi. I'm leaning toward low-class again, but who knows. This taxi has a radio. She listens to 3 Jay-Z songs. Apparantly, she got the only taxi driver in history who is younger than 30 and also not really, really, into Middle-Eastern Folk-pop. After getting drunk at the funeral, her inhibitions are gone. The butterflies in her stomach are gone, as she avoided a hangover by drinking continually. She starts acting like a crazy in the back of a taxi. I think I saw this on Taxi Cab Confessions. This is about to get good.

The Jay-Z song is hers. If she is listening to earlier Jay-Z, which I am asusming she is, then Jay-Z songs are owned by Universal Studios. Thus, we can infer the singer of this song is the daughter of the owner of Universal. Maybe he is the one who died, and thus the songs become the propoerty of this singer. When she realizes all she has inhereted, the thoughts of this fortune quell her anxiety. She is a money-grubbing bitch, who quite possibly killed her own father for music rights. She is now so ecstatic (and drunk) that she thinks she is at a party. Not wanting to upset her, the taxi-driver brings her to a real party.

At the club, she is wearing shoes (rocking kicks). This is unusual for people in LA, apparantly, as she is quickly spotted to be an outsider. The singer wishes he/she had girls around him/her, and the result of thinking about said girls, along with alcohol, has made him/her hard. I am so confused right now. I do not know if the singer is a man or a woman, so I will refer to he/she as "it" until I know which one it is.

It mentions its tummy a second time, only this time its tummy hurts. It is apparantly nervous, drunk, alone, and in the 3rd grade. Seriously, tummy? But then, in a crazy turn of events, the DJ puts a Britney Spears song on. And all is good.

They're still playing her song, and it's still ok.

It apparantly also owns this song, as it says the song is its. This means it somehow also owns RCA records, who owns the rights to Spears' songs. It most likely recently purchased RCA to make a mega-conglomerate. This event was most likely left out of the song as mergers are a very touchy subject, and often require many hours of tiring, boring negotiations. Having completed its business in LA, it mulls over its options. It always decides to stay in LA, as the DJ always plays songs it owns. This reminds me of a bad Godzilla ripoff I saw on SyFy in which the town lulled a giant monster to sleep by playing a certain melody. If they ever stopped playing it, the monster would wake up and destroy the town. I assume the people of LA saw this movie and are applying the same tactics to Miley-zilla.

The plan seems to have worked, as Miley-zilla is happy for 4 more stanzas, and eventually fades out, presumably into an eternal slumber.

In the end, we are left with more questions than answers. Who's funeral was it? Do the townspeople kill Miley-zilla in her sleep? Why does a multi-millionaire drive in taxis? We never get the answers, but I think that is the geniius of this tale of hometown heroism and David vs Goliath results.

"Lyrics Explained" Explained

There are so many timeless, inventive, and genius works of art being created everyday, that sometimes a few of them fall through the cracks. My goal here is to help out everyone who doesn't have time to devle deeply into the meaning of the lyrics of todays greatest artistic expressions: songs. So please to enjoy the meanings as I see them of some of the songs you may not have heard before.