According to You by Orianthi

This song has many layers, and it's easy to get lost in the complexity. I feel that it is thus necessary to deviate from my normal structure and break this song down into an easily read chart. I have included the generally accepted +/- values for each attribute. For example, she admits to being stupid, so it's minus 10 points for her overall score. If the pluses outweigh the minuses, she is dateable. If not, she will die alone. Hopefully this method will lead us to a deeper understanding of Orianthi.

According to you According to Him

Stupid(-10) Beautiful(+10)

Useless(-10) Incredible(+10)

Can't do anything right(-10) Unable to leave his mind(0)

Difficult(-5) Funny(+10)

Hard to please(-5) Irresistible(+5)

Forever changing her mind(-7) Everything he ever wanted(+10)

Mess in a dress(-5) Weird ass name(+/-5)

Can't show up on time(-8) Lead singer of band(+10)

Boring(-10) Has a vagina(+30)

Moody(-7) Has boobs(+20)

Not fit to take in public(-8)

Terrible joke teller(-4)

Awful attention span(-2)

Need to feel appreciated(0)

Easily made dizzy(-1)

Repetitive(-5)

NOTE: attributes not explicitly referenced in the song appear in italics. These have been deduced from the style of the song, not necessarily the lyrics.

Totalling up what we know about this girl, we have -102 in the debits column, and between +95 and +105 (most of the points coming from the fact that she is a female) in the credits column, meaning we are undecided as to whether or not she is dateable. It comes down to her having a random weirdass name. There are pros and cons to a ridiculous name like Orianthi. Example: let's say you're going to Starbucks with her and she insists on ordering for you guys (because she is difficult as we have established). She will, of course, instinctively use her own name. This will lead to one of two situations. #1: the waitress will fuck her name up and the cup will read "Oriental" or "Whore Auntie." After this, she will try to tell a joke, but she will give it away, and awkward silence will ensue. If you value your relationship with your barista, the weird ass name things is deal breaker. Situation #2:She will use a fake name like Sandy or Julie in order to avoid any confusion. In this case, the mystery and luster of her unique name is essentially lost, and there is no reason to put up with her weird ass name. There are also several advantages to having a girlfriend with the name Orianthi. Since we have no idea where she is from or the origins of the name, you can be an expert on hundreds of cultures. Anything from Ethiopia to India to Iceland is now your intellectual domain. Whenever anyone brings up a country where it sounds like Orianthi could be a name, you can speak as the expert. "Why yes, Niger is the world's leading goat cheese exporting nation in the world. My girlfriend is from there." Or "no, dumbass, the capital of Cambodia is Cambodia City, not Phnom Phen. I know. Oriatnhi is Cambodian." This seems to be the only reason to date her: impressing your friends with your worldliness. If you find yourself in desperate need of impressing your friends, and you don't mind a difficult, boring girlfriend, then you should date Orianthi. Thus, we can see that the "you" in this song is more concerned with the name, and the "him" really cares what his friends think of him.

Your Love by Nicki Minaj

First impression: mentioning Bruce Willis and Die Hard has endreared me to this quiet, bashful young lady. But she seems unclear on the plot of Die Hard, as Bruce doesn’t actually die. Maybe she means that “for your love I’d fight a bunch of Germans with semi-automatic weapons who are holding someone I love hostage and try to steal bonds, and then I'd go on a scavenger hunt with Samuel L Jackson to try to save a bunch of kids and someone I love, and lastly I'd save a plane from mercenaries who have taken over a flight and plan to crash it with someone I love on board.” Her way is catchier, but I feel my way is less ambiguous as to Minaj’s meaning.

Second impression: she had a terrible mother. She says he’s a candy store and she’s a toddler, implying she, the toddler, would like candy. I don’t know what her mother was feeding her, but toddlers need vitamins, not Fun Dip. This development may explain Minaj’s frenetic “rap” style. She’s been hooked on “sugar” since before she could walk (she does say “you got me wantin mo mo mo”. Sounds like the behavior of an addict to me.

Minaj’s goes on to describe the man for whom she pines. He wears tags on his shirts, wears a hat and a du rag, and goes to the gym. She says she met him sometime before, either in a past life or a little while ago in the studio. So far she has given me nothing to go on to figure out who this guy is. She says she is ready to save him and she is the one like Tracy McGrady. Always the Die Hard (see what I did there?) basketball fan, Minaj has artfully injected visions of two again, decrepit former all-stars: Shaq and T-Mac. We can only assume her man has some of the qualities these two possess: riches, bad knees, bad back, lots of jewelry, nicknames, a leanring diability, bad rapping skills, a weight problem, an easily impersonable voice, and/or a name that makes you hungry. This could still desribe thousands of men. Let’s see if the next verse gives us SOME sort of insight.

We now know that the reason he’s like T-Mac is because he has lots of money ($28 million for playing 30 games last year alone). He makes her scream like summer jam (?) and is from the motherland. According to her Wikipedia page, Minaj is of afro-Trinidadian and indo-trinidadian descent. So the motherland could be Africa or Trinidad. she says she met him in the swai, obviously referring to the swai shark, native to asia. This is confirmed when she says she was a Geisha and he a sumurai. We can now infer that the motherland refers to Trinidad, and her man is Asian, because he speaks Thai, is a sumurai, loves swai, and is the most rhyming man in the world. She again mentions that she is Superman and says she changed her name. We are left unsure as to the name on the certifcate, but my money says it rhymes with Sbruce Swillis or Sclark Skent.

In the end, we are left with more questions than answers. How does a sumarai speak Thai? Japan was very rigid in those days about fraternization with Thai people. Why does a toddler crave candy like a crack addict? WHat's Nicki Minaj's name going to be? Nicki Ochocinco? Does Nicki Minaj get surgery and change her identity into that of a man? If so, is the boy she’s singing about actually a girl? This leads to more questions. Is this like Mulan, and a girl became a sumuari without the knowledge of the Japanese? And then there’s the verse about Adam and Eve, which I have skipped due to its sensitive and controversial nature. If we are to believe that the singer and his/her guy/gal are Asian, is this some commentary on reincarnation? Are we to beleive that we could all have been different races before this life? Does my urge to drive badly and eat Pho mean I was Asian in a past life? Does my affinity for Ecko clothes and Timbalands (and the fact that I totally rock em) mean I'm part black too? I hope so. I'm getting tired of the awkward looks/glances/beatings.

Like a Boy by Ciara

First impression: Ciara starts by naming things men can do but women can’t: pull up ones pants, take out the trash, be fast, put security codes on electronics, and put ones phone on vibrate. We’ve already established Lady Gaga can’t do that last one, so this song holds weight so far.

Ciara quickly expresses a desire for all those aforementioned things which her gender precludes her from. She wishes she could say I love you and then not call that person back. This is an obvious wish of many women. As a whole, women dread commitment and would love to never have to say “I love you.” I assume she would also be willing to take out the trash and would of course put her phone on vibrate. She then says she'd ask her man pressing and invasive questions such as “where you be at?” But she then says she’d be on the corner, doing her own thing. This is a classic female technique: ask a question when you already know the answer. She probably hired a private investigator (on her man’s dime, no doubt) to tail him. Far be it from me to pass judgment, but if I was out until 4 and didn’t give anyone warning I’d be out that late, and my girlfriend asked me where I was, I would just think she cared. But you go with what you know, and Ciara is an uncaring bitch, and assumes everyone else would be too. She has a lot in common with Riskay. For what it’s worth, I’d gladly let her stay out til four in the morning if she took out the trash.

She then asks “what if I had a thing on the side.” Ciara is obviously still hungup on cell phones (pun intended), and longs to have a holster which she could use to hold her phone. Since she can’t put it on vibrate, she needs to be able to answer the phone quickly, as to not disturb anyone around. This is genius. Moving on, she asks whether or not a cell phone holster would change things ("would the rules change up or would they still apply")? Would he show her how to put her cell phone on vibrate if he would always have to be seen with someone who wears a cell phone like a dueling pistol? She finishes by cursing the sky, wishing she was a boy.

Ciara then informs us that there are more things men are able to do, but she cannot. They can run the streets (it hurts her knees at anything more than a jog), come home late and sleep (she doesn't want to take her Ambien if she’s not getting a full night’s sleep, so she lays awake at night), be nice to your friends, act hard, keep a straight face, have friends, walk a mile in, presumably, stylish sneaks, and of course drive (ok, I made that one up). She expresses her overwhelming desire to be a man and be able to do these things.

There really isn’t much analysis for this one. After arranging all the pieces in list form, the song reveals Ciara’s true wish: to be a man. In a classic example of Freudian penis envy, Ciara is jealous of all the things men get to do, like taking out the trash. I can only assume that since this song is so envious of men, she’d only include things she wants to do. But this song has a deeper message: women are bad with electronics. She mentions cell phones explicitly and implicitly, with the end result of the listener being bludgeoned to death over the head with her message. It’s all in the song if you look hard enough.

Birthday Sex by Jeremiah

First impressions: For as much as I hate my generation, this may be the shining beacon of hope. This is my generation's computer, Model T, etc. Birthday Sex. It even sounds awesome and totally not something Jeremiah made up to get laid. As a social experiment, take a piece of trash and give to someone while saying "hey, I got you a present." Most of the time, they instinctively accept the trash, before realizing what it is. I am hoping that birthday sex is like this.

I am amazed at how Jeremiah can take something that is obviously all about him and repackage it as a gift. He says he knows she wants it, even if they only go to his house, sit on the couch, and drink. Meaning, he gets to drive a short distance, not have to pay for a hotel motel Holiday Inn, and he can get her drunk, so birthday sex is even easier. Jeremiah is the Tom Sawyer of our day. Yes, Jeremiah, I would like to paint you fence. That sounds awesome. He then renames his drunken horniness as passion, making the girl feel special for being the one to find it.

The next verse is again all about him and how he wakes up fiending for her body. He, in another genius move, says "you don't need candles and cake, just need your body to make birthday sex." It was HIS responsibility to get the birthday cake, but he makes it sound like it's a favor to her that they no longer need candles/cake. Like for your third birthday when all you wanted was a big wheels but your dad came home with cinder blocks and said they were way better because you could build stuff and play with them more and all you wanted was a big wheels and you fell and hurt yourself on the cinder blocks and they still wouldn't fucking give you a big wheel. That's what this girl probably feels like. When you want cake, dick is no substitute.

In describing the birthday sex, to be blunt it does not sound appealing. It's so unenjoyable that during their "wrestling" he has to beg her not to tap out even though she's thirsty and has some STD that makes her mouth taste like Hersheys. If the wrestling metaphor wasn't doing it for you, he switches to an ocean themed sexcapade. The idea is about the same but instead of wrestling and tapping out, he's diving into her ocean and floating on his water bed. Very classy and subtle.

He finishes with one final disappointment. She specifically asked for roses on the bed, and instead got him for hours instead. I can only imagine him as the black George Castanza, back arched, ready to please, tighty whiteys like the last clean bit of snow in an Alaskan oil spill. But again, he spins it into a positive, and the tradition of birthday sex is born. (How do you celebrate? Trip to Vegas).

The logic employed by Jeremiah propels him lowly horny shmuck to uber-genius. He takes something he really wants, suggests they do it in the way that is most beneficial to him, and then makes it seem as if he is doing a favor for his girl. If she protests he again makes it seem like enduring will better for both of them. Whatever her opposition, just reassure her that it's in her best interests to do what you want, and it'll be better in the end. This man has wisdom to share, and I will follow him near and far to find the Jedi mind tricks he employs to brainwash the female race.

Drinkin' Beer and Wastin' Bullets by Luke Bryan

First impressions: Bryan’s lyrical style is akin to a third grader trying to rhyme (or a group of college kids when a 9 is pulled in Kings Cup). Out in the sticks and the squirrels and ticks/ Andy my 30-06, runnin’ out of Miller Lite. Like I said, amateur hour.

Bryan then brags about all he has because of his riches: a truck that you can put in park and the only dog in the world that doesn’t bark. Presumably the rest of his money went to high class alcohols and ammunition. He then says something peculiar: it’s a couple hours til dark, and he wishes one would walk by. Presumably, he is talking about a dog, as he just mentioned his. But in keeping with the level of this song, Bryan starts a new line and doesn’t elaborate at all. Further keeping in his 3rd-grade level style, Bryan says he might as well have left his gun in the gun rack. Nothing like disambiguation. If he had said “left my gun in the rack,” I’d be plum confused. Which rack? Iraq? Is this song about the war? No, because he said gun rack. Thank you Mr Bryan, your repetitive redundancy has stopped me from wild, and most likely incorrect, speculation. He finishes the stanza with a message for the kids: if you can’t find something to shoot, drink a lot of beer and make sure the only person who is sober enough to drive is your dog.

Bryan’s rhyming deteriorates further, until he is so drunk he resorts to rhyming exclusively within the lines. God knows if you took more than an hour to write a song and make things rhyme, it wouldn’t be fresh anymore. Always the business-savvy drunkard, Bryan pushes through to complete his ballads, not worrying about style, content, format, or length (this song is 3 verses long). Anyway, he is waiting for deer (of which there are none), shooting empty beer cans (which he misses), and talking to his baby, who is worried her mentally challenged boyfriend has wandered into someone’s corn field again. And, sure enough, he has. After making a baaad John Deer(e) pun, Bryan admits he is at a corn field, on his second box of bullets, and he is just glad he doesn’t have a boss. After consulting the experts, I have determined that Bryan should have been hunting in a soybean field, as corn grows high, ans when there’s lots of tall stuff in front of deer, it’s hard to shoot them.

The final unique line of this song “ain’t seen a big buck but it’s been a good day” exempliies this song and singer for me. First of all, with all the intra-line rhyming he’s done, he missed the most obvious rhyme of all. He hasn’t seen a buck, but he doesn’t give a [censored]? Also, he says he went out hunting, but all he has killed is a 12-pack of Miller Lite, but it’s still a good day. That’s completely ludicrous. That’s like an NBA superstar, we’ll call him LeGone, who decides not to try in the playoffs and saying “it’s a good day because I get to live in Miami next year with my friends.” NO. You failed. It’s not a good day. You tried to do something and completely failed, and now you’re trying to act like you really didn’t want it in the first place. If all you wanted to do was drink beer and shoot cans, be like every other redneck and do it from the kiddie pool in your back yard. Don’t go get smashed on someone’s farm then put your dog in the awkward spot of having to drive you home. He’s been drinking too, do you think it’s any safer to have an uninsured dog drive you home? Either Luke Bryan is the least responsible, least motivated hunter alive, or he is literally retarded. This leads me to believe he is not the former, and thus Luke Bryan is literally retarded.

Rain is a Good Thing by Luke Bryan

First impression: “My daddy spent his life staring up at the sky.” This reminds me of something heard from someone who lived on a farm: turkeys are so dumb that when it rains they stare up at the sky and will drown if you don’t take them inside. I guess what I’m saying is that I hope that his dad is not a turkey or from Turkey. Moving on.

He learned a valuable lesson from his dad: rain is a good thing. He then elaborates that rain is good because it makes corn, which in turn makes whiskey, which in yet another turn makes his baby feel “frisky.” I can’t help but wonder if he learned this from his dad, too. If he did (which I think we can all agree he did), then his dad would have been talking about the singer’s mom. This song could clearly only be a country song, as singing about your dad getting your mom drunk/frisky is only acceptable in the south. Not being from the south, for me this song just took a very weird turn.

He then goes into needless detail about how the whiskey makes his girl frisky. Apparently they purchase the whiskey at a bar, and enjoy it with friends. This is not interesting. What is interesting is that he reveals that he “hunts his honeys down” which makes me question whether this song is indeed about humans. After all, the singer has already shown an unusual amazement/love of rain, which no person would. I’m gonna say he’s an animal, presumably a predator, until he proves me wrong. This song is more than meets the ears.

Next he talks about another reason why rain is a good thing: it drives females inside for shelter. When it rains and the “tin roof starts talkin’ that’s the best love we made.” I am assuming now that he is an advanced predator, one who waits in caves, abandoned barns, etc for his prey. When they come in to find relief from the shelter he gives them...well, you know. These are clearly animals who do not like the rain. Maybe some kind of large cat like a mink or cougar.

He finishes with reasons why humans should like rain, too. 1) the creek rises, 2) country girls love to cuddle, and 3) there are mud puddles. It seems our singer is a wily hunter who has observed his human co-inhabitants in order to gain some understanding as to their feelings about rain. Much like Frankenstein’s monster, he waits in barns, under brush, etc for women to run for cover, right into his deformed, loving hands. In a Pavlovian response to rain, this monster gets excited, because he knows mating time has come. The women will soon flock to whatever cover he is hiding in, and boy are they in for a surprise. The Frankenstein angle also explains the first quandary I had about the song: the mother-lust. Since the monster had no mother, he does not know the social implications of lusting after your mom. He does not know it is icky and gross to think of your parents in any way like that. This makes perfect sense. It also explains why his dad spent all his life staring at the sky. Dr Frankenstein was a dreamer. He wanted to create life. He was often seen staring at the heavens, looking for divine intervention. He spent his whole life dedicated to one goal, and he eventually finally achieved it.

In an homage to a classic novel, Luke Bryan (surely a pseudonym, as it is the most stereotypical country name ever) has woven an intricate and layered story that seemingly revolves around getting laid. After thorough examination, though, we can clearly see the deep anthropological and social underpinnings of a true modern-day narrative about a misunderstood monster. It is refreshing to see Bryan has taken to reinvigorating the timeless classic “Frankenstein”, much like Taylor Swift has breathed new life in the stale, boring Romeo and Juliet storyline. The narrative Bryan lays out has the threads of misunderstanding, aqua-wonder, and social rejection all woven into a breathtaking tapestry of wonder which leaves me wanting more. I want to see him tackle “Pride and Prejudice” using only words related tractors and beer. I think a man of Bryan’s ability and love of farm equipment is the only man for the job.

Someday by Rob Thomas

First impressions: Rob Thomas is singing about someone who's sad about something...and it's not him! Glad to see he's branching out at least a little bit.

Apparently, someone (I'll assume it's a girl, but he never says so I don't know...) is sad. It seems that it is our job to figure out what she's so sad about. She is sad about something which can be started over, and which causes her must anxiety and sadness inside. Brainstorm: computer trouble, writing a newspaper column, writing your thesis for grad school, doing a jigsaw puzzle, playing a game of Spider Solitaire on 4 suits, watching Forest Gump and trying not to cry (Jennay!!). The list goes on, but this seems like a decent list to start with.

In order to find out the source of the woman's anxiety, we need to analyze what we know of her distress. It is something that can be figured out, and would thus end any doubt. If figured out, it would make their lives better. It seems whatever this is is driving a wedge between Rob and his lady friend. The weird piece is "maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud." On the surface, this would mean his ladyfriend is mute, and someday will regain her voice. But on a deeper level, it means that they would openly share their emotions with eachother. But Robby is even deeper. So deep in fact, that he really does mean she is mute. He knows that you think you know what he is thinking, so he goes one more level and fools you. Only an intimate knowledge of Rob's psyche (Which I have purchased on eBay for just such an occasion) would reveal this. So we know now that at this point he is talking about a mute woman who's muteness needs to be solved that she can express her emotions which are riddling her with frustration.

At this point, we can't tell if her muteness is voluntary or induced by some yet-to-be-cured disease. He says that someday they'll figure it out, put an end to doubt, and make things better. This could refer to finding a cure to her incurable muteness. He then pleads with her to change her mind, indicating she can speak, but chooses not to. He also says he wants her to tell him, give it to him straight and slow. Looking past the obvious sexual tone of this line, we can see that she can talk, but chooses not to. He just wants to start over, again indicating she could at one point talk to him. This could mean that he knew her before, when she did talk, and now has reconnected with her, but she refuses to speak.

I think it's obvious by now that Rob is in love with a mime, but has found out that hand gestures are not enough to say I Love You. He wants to know that she loves him, and "put an end to all his doubt," but he can't be sure without words. He is apparently unaware that actions speak louder than words, and signing "I love you" would be better. Given that he knew her before, I am speculating that Rob has always loved her, and could only now tell her how he felt. In a sad, Hollywood-esque turn of events, though, she (who has always loved him too) is now unable to tell him that she loves him. A topsy-turvy roller coaster of a tale of lovers, never able to be together, all told through song. I have no words but bravo, Mr Thomas. Bravo

Note: We know she is a mime because If she was taking a vow of silence, Rob would understand and mention this aspect of her muteness. According to his Wikipedia, Thomas is an active advocate for many causes, and thus would be accepting to someone's crusade. He would not besmirch her reputation by making her out to be a cold, heartless, voluntarily mute person.