Like a G6 by Far East Movement

First impressions: Far East Movement (FEM) likes to get slizzered. Words that sounds like slizzered: scissored, lizard, wizard, Switzerland, blizzard, gizzards. So by the transitive property, this term has something to do with Swiss wizards who like gizzards.

FEM goes on to say that they are fly like a G6. Now, there are several things lthis could mean. The meaning is left up to the listener because a G6 is not a plane, as one would expect when listening to the song.. There is a G650, which is a private business jet. But this would mean that FEM is not being exact in their word choice, and this is a ridiculous conclusion. They are nothing if not clear. Afterall, who else uses the ultra-specific and never vague term "slizzard?" No one. No, I think the far more plausible conlusion is that FEM is referring to the Pontiac G6. This car, a symbol of elegance and American automaking superiority, has long been a car only purchased by the elite. The G6 is now a classic car, as production stopped way back in 2009. Only the flyest, the upper-echelon of class and culture would drive these. Yes, this song must be referring to the Pontiac G6.

He says that he wants 2 more bottles of champagne "because it don't stop." We can tell that he is very popular, because for Asians this amount of alcohol can supply several girls with a blackout level of drunkenness. He then says that when sober girls are around him they act like they're drunk. This could tell us that he hangs out with non-Asians who feel pity for him when he's drunk, the alcohol's gone, and the girls are still sober. It could also be that he got Martinelli's sparkling cider instead of champagne to avoid the associated Asian glow. I'm leaning toward the former. Going on this assumption, we can see that these girls are very empathetic. Knowing the guys are drunk, they don't want to create an awkward situation, so they too pretend to be drunk. No one like to be the drunk person amid a crowd of sober people, and these girls are very sympathetic to these feelings. We can surmise that this is due to his level of fly (so fly), which has been unabashedly shown to the girls when they were driven home in his classic G6.

They go on to say that they keep it gangsta and pop bottles at the crib. He then instructs the girl to "take that bottle to the head, and let me see you fly." He is a real gangsta, clearly. He takes the girl back to his house, where his baby momma has left his child "in the crib" so to speak while he was out. not wanting the child to feel left out, he pops bottles in the crib, most likely entertaining the child to no end. He then goes all Chris/Bobby Brown on her and whacks his mistress with the empty bottle over the head. This could be for any number of reasons for this. His alcohol-engulfed brain may think it is entertaining for his child. But the most likely reason is whiskey dick (or Sake dick in this case). His impotent rage led him to throw away his fledgling career. The final original verse finds FEM telling someone "to put they hands up". He has apparently pulled a gun on the woman who he hit earlier. This has gone from bad to worse to OJ.

This cautionary tale of the perils of alcohol takes us through all the steps leading up to an up-and-coming rap star throwing his career away for some dumb ho. First, he does not buy her enough alcohol. This leaves the young lady unimpaired and not comforting to her "slizzered" companion's situation. When he goes home and tries to involve his young child in the festivities, the sober women doth protest. He beats her senseless with an empty champagne bottle and pulls a gun on her. Unlike Chris/Bobby though, FEM has come out with this tale before the inevitable court case to serve as some sort of buffer to help with the upcoming negative press. If only Chris had come out with his anthem "Sorry about your Face," before Rihanna made big fuss about it. By warning all potential companions, FEM has removed all liability from themselves, ensuring they'll be around for a long time (Yay!!).

Teenage Dream by Katy Perry

First impressions: someone thinks this is pretty. Eek. The guy obviously has some thick prescription glasses that he recently lost.

He also thinks that she's funny when she gets the punchline wrong. In other words, he is laughing at her, not with her. He also tells her she is pretty when she is not. And, for these niceties which one would give to his/her grandparents, she lets her "walls" down [wink wink]. Who knew she was so easy? Oh wait...

Apparently the object of her affection saved her life, literally. He brought her back to life, much like Dr Frankenstein. And what does she give in return for this unspeakably valuable gift? She's his valentine and every February she gives him that sweet sweet zombie loving. Her cold hands on his body. Her moans are now of pleasure, not the mundane undead brain cravings that usually plague his life. It's more than he could ever have hoped for. Fembots have nothing on Zombielovers.

She then says "you and I will be young forever." The wording is important, as she is forcing him to be young. And eternal youth can mean only one thing in this case: she wants to make him an undead as well. She wants to "go all the way," and make him undead too. She says she wants to "dance until we die." This seems contradictory with the young forever thing, but it's not. She wants to "dance with him" until he becomes undead like her, and they will be young forever together.

She makes a thinly veiled reference to her plans to runaway with him while he sleeps and dreams like a teenager (Teenage Dreams). She wants to make him undead and go past the point of no retrurn, or "never look back" if you will. I presume her love interest is the only man capable of bringing people back to life, so if he is undead as well it will be impossible for him to return to human form. Misery loves company, and she wants someone to spend all eternity with. But you may be wondering "how does she turn the man who brought her back to life into a fellow zombie?"

Luckily, in the next verse she explains her detailed plan about how she will make him undead. She plans to take him to Cali(fornia), get him drunk on the beach, bring him to a motel, make a fort out of sheets to disguise her misdoings from passersby, and then the evil begins. She tempts by letting him put his hands on her thighs, which are barely covered by skin tight jeans. She leaves off the end of her plan, but we can assume that her lover wakes up with a massive headache, some cold skin, and no heartbeat. Plus, Katy Perry's not going to be wearing any makeup. Do we need a reminder of how bad that is?