This song has many layers, and it's easy to get lost in the complexity. I feel that it is thus necessary to deviate from my normal structure and break this song down into an easily read chart. I have included the generally accepted +/- values for each attribute. For example, she admits to being stupid, so it's minus 10 points for her overall score. If the pluses outweigh the minuses, she is dateable. If not, she will die alone. Hopefully this method will lead us to a deeper understanding of Orianthi.
According to you According to Him
Stupid(-10) Beautiful(+10)
Useless(-10) Incredible(+10)
Can't do anything right(-10) Unable to leave his mind(0)
Difficult(-5) Funny(+10)
Hard to please(-5) Irresistible(+5)
Forever changing her mind(-7) Everything he ever wanted(+10)
Mess in a dress(-5) Weird ass name(+/-5)
Can't show up on time(-8) Lead singer of band(+10)
Boring(-10) Has a vagina(+30)
Moody(-7) Has boobs(+20)
Not fit to take in public(-8)
Terrible joke teller(-4)
Awful attention span(-2)
Need to feel appreciated(0)
Easily made dizzy(-1)
Repetitive(-5)
Totalling up what we know about this girl, we have -102 in the debits column, and between +95 and +105 (most of the points coming from the fact that she is a female) in the credits column, meaning we are undecided as to whether or not she is dateable. It comes down to her having a random weirdass name. There are pros and cons to a ridiculous name like Orianthi. Example: let's say you're going to Starbucks with her and she insists on ordering for you guys (because she is difficult as we have established). She will, of course, instinctively use her own name. This will lead to one of two situations. #1: the waitress will fuck her name up and the cup will read "Oriental" or "Whore Auntie." After this, she will try to tell a joke, but she will give it away, and awkward silence will ensue. If you value your relationship with your barista, the weird ass name things is deal breaker. Situation #2:She will use a fake name like Sandy or Julie in order to avoid any confusion. In this case, the mystery and luster of her unique name is essentially lost, and there is no reason to put up with her weird ass name. There are also several advantages to having a girlfriend with the name Orianthi. Since we have no idea where she is from or the origins of the name, you can be an expert on hundreds of cultures. Anything from Ethiopia to India to Iceland is now your intellectual domain. Whenever anyone brings up a country where it sounds like Orianthi could be a name, you can speak as the expert. "Why yes, Niger is the world's leading goat cheese exporting nation in the world. My girlfriend is from there." Or "no, dumbass, the capital of Cambodia is Cambodia City, not Phnom Phen. I know. Oriatnhi is Cambodian." This seems to be the only reason to date her: impressing your friends with your worldliness. If you find yourself in desperate need of impressing your friends, and you don't mind a difficult, boring girlfriend, then you should date Orianthi. Thus, we can see that the "you" in this song is more concerned with the name, and the "him" really cares what his friends think of him.
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