My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne

First impression: Is this song about what I think it's about? [quietly giggles with anticipation]

The song begins with moaning and Avril lamenting her inability to get a happy ending. She then asks to talk it over, saying "it's not like we're dead/was it something i did/was it something i said?" Avril obviously was much to forward when asking for a happy ending and scared off the person massaging her. Much like a stray cat, you must be slow and meticulous when requesting a happy ending. You must flirt with the subject, eventually getting what you want. Quickly thinking on her feet, though, Avril successfully covers her bases and rectifies the situation, not wanting to lose out on a happy ending.

She says "Don't leave me hanging," with the meaning of that being obvious for a male singer, but slightly disturbing for a female. I think, though, that she is using the term "hanging" metaphorically, like a woman saying "you're breaking my balls." She then says she is in a city that is dead, and she obviously just wants a little something to liven it up a bit. She says she is "held up so high/on such a breakable thread." This could be a reference to the fact that she is high up on a massage table which is held by ropes, but this is a weird image. Most massage parlors use the new invention of the four-legged table, which offers more stability than the older, rope-based tables. This parlor is obviously not quite up to snuff.

Lavigne then laments the fact that she thought she had a connection with the masseuse. It was meant to be, she says, it was supposed to be, she says, but they lost it. It comes to a head (pun intended) when she says "all this time you were pretending/so much for my happy ending." Lavigne fell so deeply in lust that she thought the masseuse actually cared about her, when really it was just for the money. She is probably the type of person who falls in love with strippers, too.

The song then takes a psychological turn, as Lavigne talks about the life/relationship she has imagined between her and her special massage-buddy. She laments that the masseuse's friends (who Lavigne has never met) think she is difficult. She is obviously projecting her own insecurities onto the situation. She then makes it the friends' fault, saying that they don't even know her. This is a great strategic move on her part. Blame the friends for never meeting her, even though they have no need to and in fact have no idea she exists.

Driving the point home, Lavigne finishes this fire-filled rant with this dagger: "It's nice to know that you were there/Thanks for acting like you cared/And making me feel like I was the only one." She obviously feels betrayed by the fact that the masseuse has other clients. She thanks the masseuse for the comfort she felt during the time they shared, but wishes it could be more. Her heart longs to be with this man who has touched her so tenderly, but alas, her Canadian-ness has turned away yet another lover.

In an ode to the post-massage release, Lavigne strikes upon the deep problems with becoming too close with your masseuse too quickly. Relationships need time to grow naturally. It's not fair to think that paying someone to rub you with oil and then (hopefully) finish the job will result in anymore connection than a one night stand. Lavigne is lucky. She rushed too fast into the relationship and didn't even get a happy ending. In the end, though, it is for the best. That must pleasure would have only resulted in even more pain. The scars will heal much more quickly this way.

Live Like We're Dying by Kris Allen

First impressions: "Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up." sounds like someone needs Life Alert . This song is about elderly people and how we should imitate them (in a respectful, subtle way) whenever possible. This is supported by the second line "We're hiding behind skin that's too tough." Here, Allen artfully mocks the wrinkly, tough skin of the elderly while also remaining in their favor by including himslef in the group of people with tough skin. This seems to be a Colbert-esque song which mocs old people right to their face.

If this song is indeed about old people, then someone old in his life did not openly express their love for him. He woefully asks "How come we don't say I love you enough?" Yes, grandma, why do you withhold your "I love you's" and instead only give me awesome presents and fresh baked cookies? I want love, not tasty morsels!

The next verse mocks the elderly's inability to feed themselves saying "Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come/And we could make a feast from these crumbs." The elderly (as any old person will tell you) ate very little during the great depression and WWII. They made meals of shoe leather, tree bark, and young children. This resourceful generation only needs a crumb to survive, but Allen, much like the Grinch, has taken everything from them, leaving so little that even the elderly complain (and we all know how infrequently they do that).

The next few lines describe staring down the barrel of a gun and your life flashing before your eyes. This is presumably hunger-induced mass suicide, effectively eliminating an entire generation. And, again mocking old people, Allen taunts them with opportunity passed, saying "What do you wish that you would have done?" Yeah, old man, now that your joints all ache, don't you wish you had skydived when you had the chance? Sucker.

In the fourth verse we finally get to the title line of the song "[we've] gotta live like we're dying." To help us understand what this means, I think a checklist is in order. Here are a few things that are necessary to be old and dying:

[note: this order is more or less in order. Thus, the first half is necessary to ensure you're acting old, and the second half is to ensure you're living your life like you're dying.]

• Have dial-up internet.
• Read the newspaper.
• Pay for everything by check.
• Have that distinct old person smell.
• Eat all meals before 4:30 pm.
• Wear pajama pants for all occasions.
• Move to Florida to live with other old people.
• Consolidate all your pills into one easy to remember place, such as a pill box.
• Knit (for women), play cirbbage/dominos/checkers (for men).
• Never drive over 20 mph.
• Drive an Oldsmobile or Cadillac.
• Complain about "darn kids," and blame them for the woes of the world and your own life failures.
• Compare everything you see to how it was when you were the age of the person you're talking to.
• Make the bed and the toilet interchangeable.
• Require oxygen tanks to breath.
• Ride an awesome scooter
• Eat you meals through a straw.
• Forget your loved ones names.
• Make a will.
• Live the rest of your life in an Alzheimer's induced blissful ignorance.

WIth the list well on its way, we can move on. After showing off his math skills and thus proving he is not elderly, Allen moves into some more literal examples of dying. He says "And if your plane fell out of the skies/Who would you call with your last goodbye?" I think the better question is what carrier do you have that your cell reception is reliable at 30,000 ft and falling? Also, maybe the phone was the reason for the crash. Just saying. He also says "you never see the crash until it's head on."

The last, oh, 60% of the song is just a repeat of what came before. This makes me wonder if Allen is indeed elderly. He seems oblivious to the fact that he's repeating himself over and over and over again. I think if he took the Wii Fit true age test he'd be at least 55. Let's examine the evidence: he is in a non-rap badn. Strike one for the young hypothesis. He repeats himself and wrote an entire song about old people. What's the first thing you do in highschool when someone tries to say you're a nerd? You make fun of nerds. But in the end, the kids are always right. Ergo, Allen is trying to disown his own oldness, when in fact he is old. Two more strikes and boom goes the old dynamite.

This song makes me happy. Finally, old people get ripped a new one. They've been getting a free ride too long just because they "worked hard" and "paid their dues" and "just want to eat in peace without getting made fun of." If you ask me, we need more of this. No one is immune. toddlers: laziest people in the world. Housecats: aspire to be something of substance, maybe a lion. The list goes on, but I'm glad we can cross old people off of it. Thank you Kris Allen. now go learn how to spell your name.

Ironic by Alanis Morissette

Note: Before I listened to this song I consulted the Oatmeal to determine what constituted irony. You can consult it here, so we're on the same page: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/irony.

First impressions: After one listening, I don't think a single example in Alanis' song is ironic. But just to be sure, let's go through them one by one and examine the potential irony of them.

"An old man turned ninety-eight/He won the lottery and died the next day." This would only be ironic if 1) he played the lottery every week and 2) was in fact killed by the giant check that he got from winning the lottery. (Bonus points if the jackpot was $98 million.)

"It's a black fly in your Chardonnay." Not even close. That's just minorly annoying. It could only be ironic if the wine was called something like "fly repellent" or "no fly zone," but then who the hell would drink it?

"It's a death row pardon two minutes too late." Nope, that's just really bad luck and timing. It would be ironic if there was a short circuit in the prison electrical lines and the phone call to pardon him set off the electric chair, thus killing him. Otherwise, just bad timing.

"It's like rain on your wedding day." Yet again, just bad luck. This seems like the bride's fault though. Who plans a completely outdoor wedding at a time of year where there could even possibly be rain?

"It's a free ride when you've already paid." This is just Alanis being confused. Once you have paid for the ride, it is then "paid." It cannot be "free" once you have paid for it. That's like saying "I went to Best Buy and gave some guy in a blue shirt $1000 and he gave me a free flatscreen!!" People like this are the reasons scams thrive. On an unrelated note, I need 10 people who love to make money and hate to work to email me RIGHT NOW for a chance at instant wealth and fame.

"It's the good advice that you just didn't take." Now that's just dumb. Why not take good advice?

"Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly/He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye/He waited his whole damn life to take that flight/And as the plane crashed down he thought/'Well isn't this nice...'"
I think this might actually be bordering on irony. But i think the fact that he went voluntarily might convolute things a bit. It is ironic that he avoided something for so long then it killed him. I think it'd be better if he avoided it for so long then a small plane crashed into his house killing only him...while his family was on a long, safe flight to Hong Kong. Well, not really better for him, but better for Alanis as now it is closer to irony.

"A traffic jam when you're already late." No. No. No. No. This is, once again, just shitty luck, and really not all that uncommon.

"A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break." That was poor planning. Here's a suggestion: move 20 feet away from where you are.

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife." Just no. As specifically addressed in the aforementioned Oatmeal article, this is not ironic. There is no reversal of fortunes. She had no reason to expect that in a spoon factory (where she obviously is, because nowhere else would have 10,000 spoons and no knife) that there would be a knife. It's like saying you were surprised that there were no penguins in Africa given how many vultures you saw. Both are birds, but neither makes it an ironic situation. Or being surprised that you went to China and didn't see a single Korean person.

"It's meeting the man of my dreams/And then meeting his beautiful wife." By definition, then, the man of your dreams is married. If this man is the man of your dreams then everything he is, even things you didn't know about, are attributes held by the man of your dreams. And since this man is married, then the man of your dreams is also married. This is not ironic, it is more of a wakeup call that maybe you should aspire higher and have better dreams.

The only truly ironic thing in this song is the fact that a well-known songwriter released a single entitled "ironic" without looking up the definition. This is in fact an entire song filled with examples of what she thought were irony but were in fact just a lot of bad luck. The chorus may shed some light onto why Alanis's examples of irony are not ironic. She says "Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you/When you think everything's okay and everything's going right." This is her definition of irony in a nutshell: when your life is going well and something disrupts this trend, then it's ironic. She has clearly confused irony with unluckiness. By her definition, most things in life would be ironic. Whenever you order a hamburger and get a chicken sandwich, it's ironic. When you beat up a hooker and she turns out to be an undercover agent, that's ironic. When your fucking shoe is untied, it's ironic. But I digress. Let's just say it seems almost criminal to build an entire song around a concept and not even use it correctly once.

Elastic Love by Christina Aguilera

Note: I had never listened to this song before I wrote this. It is ridiculous to be sure, but the lyrics warrant a quick read through understand just how nonsensical the song is.

First impression: this girl is all about office supplies. She tries to explain her love by comparing it to a rubber band, a pencil/eraser combo (double analogy ohmygod), a pencil sharpener, and a ruler. Let me try office supply analogies. My love for this song is like a red crayon. At first I am full, excited, and bright, ready to help create something truly special. Then the love slowly shrinks as time (and this song) goes on until I throw away the final useless nubbin of it without even trying to listen to the last nonsensical minute for fear of brain hemorrhaging.

She begins her exploration of love simply enough: with a comparison to a rubber band. She says it comes and goes and pins her like a trampoline. Aguilera is obviously referring to the new invention of auto-rubber bands. They are equipped with micro-sensors which detect a need for rubber bands. They come and go as the need for them shifts. She also refers to the recently revealed "pinning trampoline." unlike every other trampoline in the world which has the sole purpose of propelling the user as far away from it as possible, this trampoline pins you down until you tap. These are currently mainly used to deter children from the recreational use of the dangerous, non-pinning type of trampoline. This verse serves to convince the reader that she is knowledgeable about new technology, and can, by logical extension, serve as an expert on office supplies, and by further logical extension, on love.

Her love of office supplies is fully expressed in the next verse when she tries to describe her love. She could have gone the traditional way and not used office supplies. But she is a rebel, and a nerd. She starts off simply enough: "If I was a ruler, I'd set you straight." Seeing as rulers are used as straight edges, this seems to make sense. But rulers don't in and of themselves make things straight. They can be used to draw a straight line or used as a guide to judge how straight something is. We can gather from this that she means she would physically straighten him out. We can't be certain, but this may refer to his bad posture or perhaps a broken appendage that needs to be set straight. The second option follows Aguilera's wording more than anything to do with posture, so we can deduce Aguilera's boy has some sort of broken leg, etc. We are not sure if he got this as a result of jumping on the dangerous, non-pinning trampoline from verse 1, but the signs do point to it.

Aguilera goes on to say that the comparison fits "Cause once I'm trying to bounce, you pull me back/And when I try to come to you, you give me slack." The first line makes sense if we are indeed talking about truly elastic love. The second takes some deep intellectualizing. So when she comes back, there is slack. This means that either the love has grown or it is stretched out, deformed almost. Or it could be slack like you'd give your dog on his leash. If you don't trust your dog, there is very little slack. If you do, then you slowly give him some slack to test him. If this is how Aguilera meant it, then she is the dog and is being tested by her owner/boyfriend. This could explain her obsession with inanimate office supplies.

Though an office supply aficionado she is, a grammartarian she is not. She says "the rubber band was an analogy, you can even say it was a metaphor." No. It can't be both. They are different things, so it can't be both. It's plainly not a metaphor, as a metaphor would be something like "our love is a rubber band," or "this song is a steaming pile of doodoo." It could have been an analogy if she had said something like "our love is like a rubberband," or "this song is like a cheetah fart." (it stinks and is totally unexpected).

In her last verse in this ballade-ode to the office supply. she says "If we were gaffer tape maybe we could spend the summer/You could say your piece, you could post it on paper/When your love hits, it sticks me like a stapler." For those not familiar with gaffer tape (including myself until I Googled it), it is a very strong tape, much like duct tape. The advantage to gaffer's tape, though, is that it an be removed without residue. Using this knowledge, w can see that Aguilera wants a summer fling. She does not want their love to be like duct tape, where they become too attached and in the end must remove it quickly to avoid it hurting. Nor does she want Scotch tape, which is flimsy and unreliable in high-pressure situations. She continues along these lines, saying he could write his piece on a post-it. From this we see that the communication between the two is shaky at best. Much like the roommate who leaves passive-aggressive post-its around the apartment, Aguilera wants to avoid both confrontation and real communication. His love-filled post-it will no doubt be crumpled up and thrown away, along with every other blank post-its in the house. Our final detail about this troubled love is that his love hits her like a stapler. As anyone knows who has been accidentally stapled, it is only a minor annoyance. Sure, it stings a little, but nothing that last more than a day. Thus, the love between these two is so inconsequential to her that she says she will not remember it after a few days if she's no reminded by a pastel yellow square.

This song really exemplifies Aguilera's strength. She takes an object and writes a line involving some verb/adjective relating to the object. She then takes another and does the same, twisting words and their pronunciations to make them rhyme. In this case, even though it doesn't really make sense for a song about love to be described by random office supplies, she does it anyway. Not one of her analogies makes sense, especially the main one of a rubber band. Yet she perseveres through this minor setback and makes a song that really gets people talking. Even if it is about whether or not she needs to be taken back to the third grade. Again. There's really not much else to say about this hot mess of garbled analogies and mixed metaphors warped and twisted into 4 minutes of nonsensically rhyming, strained lines, which in the end only leave the listener wondering if Aguilera will end up taking that job offer from Staples.

According to You by Orianthi

This song has many layers, and it's easy to get lost in the complexity. I feel that it is thus necessary to deviate from my normal structure and break this song down into an easily read chart. I have included the generally accepted +/- values for each attribute. For example, she admits to being stupid, so it's minus 10 points for her overall score. If the pluses outweigh the minuses, she is dateable. If not, she will die alone. Hopefully this method will lead us to a deeper understanding of Orianthi.

According to you According to Him

Stupid(-10) Beautiful(+10)

Useless(-10) Incredible(+10)

Can't do anything right(-10) Unable to leave his mind(0)

Difficult(-5) Funny(+10)

Hard to please(-5) Irresistible(+5)

Forever changing her mind(-7) Everything he ever wanted(+10)

Mess in a dress(-5) Weird ass name(+/-5)

Can't show up on time(-8) Lead singer of band(+10)

Boring(-10) Has a vagina(+30)

Moody(-7) Has boobs(+20)

Not fit to take in public(-8)

Terrible joke teller(-4)

Awful attention span(-2)

Need to feel appreciated(0)

Easily made dizzy(-1)

Repetitive(-5)

NOTE: attributes not explicitly referenced in the song appear in italics. These have been deduced from the style of the song, not necessarily the lyrics.

Totalling up what we know about this girl, we have -102 in the debits column, and between +95 and +105 (most of the points coming from the fact that she is a female) in the credits column, meaning we are undecided as to whether or not she is dateable. It comes down to her having a random weirdass name. There are pros and cons to a ridiculous name like Orianthi. Example: let's say you're going to Starbucks with her and she insists on ordering for you guys (because she is difficult as we have established). She will, of course, instinctively use her own name. This will lead to one of two situations. #1: the waitress will fuck her name up and the cup will read "Oriental" or "Whore Auntie." After this, she will try to tell a joke, but she will give it away, and awkward silence will ensue. If you value your relationship with your barista, the weird ass name things is deal breaker. Situation #2:She will use a fake name like Sandy or Julie in order to avoid any confusion. In this case, the mystery and luster of her unique name is essentially lost, and there is no reason to put up with her weird ass name. There are also several advantages to having a girlfriend with the name Orianthi. Since we have no idea where she is from or the origins of the name, you can be an expert on hundreds of cultures. Anything from Ethiopia to India to Iceland is now your intellectual domain. Whenever anyone brings up a country where it sounds like Orianthi could be a name, you can speak as the expert. "Why yes, Niger is the world's leading goat cheese exporting nation in the world. My girlfriend is from there." Or "no, dumbass, the capital of Cambodia is Cambodia City, not Phnom Phen. I know. Oriatnhi is Cambodian." This seems to be the only reason to date her: impressing your friends with your worldliness. If you find yourself in desperate need of impressing your friends, and you don't mind a difficult, boring girlfriend, then you should date Orianthi. Thus, we can see that the "you" in this song is more concerned with the name, and the "him" really cares what his friends think of him.

Your Love by Nicki Minaj

First impression: mentioning Bruce Willis and Die Hard has endreared me to this quiet, bashful young lady. But she seems unclear on the plot of Die Hard, as Bruce doesn’t actually die. Maybe she means that “for your love I’d fight a bunch of Germans with semi-automatic weapons who are holding someone I love hostage and try to steal bonds, and then I'd go on a scavenger hunt with Samuel L Jackson to try to save a bunch of kids and someone I love, and lastly I'd save a plane from mercenaries who have taken over a flight and plan to crash it with someone I love on board.” Her way is catchier, but I feel my way is less ambiguous as to Minaj’s meaning.

Second impression: she had a terrible mother. She says he’s a candy store and she’s a toddler, implying she, the toddler, would like candy. I don’t know what her mother was feeding her, but toddlers need vitamins, not Fun Dip. This development may explain Minaj’s frenetic “rap” style. She’s been hooked on “sugar” since before she could walk (she does say “you got me wantin mo mo mo”. Sounds like the behavior of an addict to me.

Minaj’s goes on to describe the man for whom she pines. He wears tags on his shirts, wears a hat and a du rag, and goes to the gym. She says she met him sometime before, either in a past life or a little while ago in the studio. So far she has given me nothing to go on to figure out who this guy is. She says she is ready to save him and she is the one like Tracy McGrady. Always the Die Hard (see what I did there?) basketball fan, Minaj has artfully injected visions of two again, decrepit former all-stars: Shaq and T-Mac. We can only assume her man has some of the qualities these two possess: riches, bad knees, bad back, lots of jewelry, nicknames, a leanring diability, bad rapping skills, a weight problem, an easily impersonable voice, and/or a name that makes you hungry. This could still desribe thousands of men. Let’s see if the next verse gives us SOME sort of insight.

We now know that the reason he’s like T-Mac is because he has lots of money ($28 million for playing 30 games last year alone). He makes her scream like summer jam (?) and is from the motherland. According to her Wikipedia page, Minaj is of afro-Trinidadian and indo-trinidadian descent. So the motherland could be Africa or Trinidad. she says she met him in the swai, obviously referring to the swai shark, native to asia. This is confirmed when she says she was a Geisha and he a sumurai. We can now infer that the motherland refers to Trinidad, and her man is Asian, because he speaks Thai, is a sumurai, loves swai, and is the most rhyming man in the world. She again mentions that she is Superman and says she changed her name. We are left unsure as to the name on the certifcate, but my money says it rhymes with Sbruce Swillis or Sclark Skent.

In the end, we are left with more questions than answers. How does a sumarai speak Thai? Japan was very rigid in those days about fraternization with Thai people. Why does a toddler crave candy like a crack addict? WHat's Nicki Minaj's name going to be? Nicki Ochocinco? Does Nicki Minaj get surgery and change her identity into that of a man? If so, is the boy she’s singing about actually a girl? This leads to more questions. Is this like Mulan, and a girl became a sumuari without the knowledge of the Japanese? And then there’s the verse about Adam and Eve, which I have skipped due to its sensitive and controversial nature. If we are to believe that the singer and his/her guy/gal are Asian, is this some commentary on reincarnation? Are we to beleive that we could all have been different races before this life? Does my urge to drive badly and eat Pho mean I was Asian in a past life? Does my affinity for Ecko clothes and Timbalands (and the fact that I totally rock em) mean I'm part black too? I hope so. I'm getting tired of the awkward looks/glances/beatings.

Like a Boy by Ciara

First impression: Ciara starts by naming things men can do but women can’t: pull up ones pants, take out the trash, be fast, put security codes on electronics, and put ones phone on vibrate. We’ve already established Lady Gaga can’t do that last one, so this song holds weight so far.

Ciara quickly expresses a desire for all those aforementioned things which her gender precludes her from. She wishes she could say I love you and then not call that person back. This is an obvious wish of many women. As a whole, women dread commitment and would love to never have to say “I love you.” I assume she would also be willing to take out the trash and would of course put her phone on vibrate. She then says she'd ask her man pressing and invasive questions such as “where you be at?” But she then says she’d be on the corner, doing her own thing. This is a classic female technique: ask a question when you already know the answer. She probably hired a private investigator (on her man’s dime, no doubt) to tail him. Far be it from me to pass judgment, but if I was out until 4 and didn’t give anyone warning I’d be out that late, and my girlfriend asked me where I was, I would just think she cared. But you go with what you know, and Ciara is an uncaring bitch, and assumes everyone else would be too. She has a lot in common with Riskay. For what it’s worth, I’d gladly let her stay out til four in the morning if she took out the trash.

She then asks “what if I had a thing on the side.” Ciara is obviously still hungup on cell phones (pun intended), and longs to have a holster which she could use to hold her phone. Since she can’t put it on vibrate, she needs to be able to answer the phone quickly, as to not disturb anyone around. This is genius. Moving on, she asks whether or not a cell phone holster would change things ("would the rules change up or would they still apply")? Would he show her how to put her cell phone on vibrate if he would always have to be seen with someone who wears a cell phone like a dueling pistol? She finishes by cursing the sky, wishing she was a boy.

Ciara then informs us that there are more things men are able to do, but she cannot. They can run the streets (it hurts her knees at anything more than a jog), come home late and sleep (she doesn't want to take her Ambien if she’s not getting a full night’s sleep, so she lays awake at night), be nice to your friends, act hard, keep a straight face, have friends, walk a mile in, presumably, stylish sneaks, and of course drive (ok, I made that one up). She expresses her overwhelming desire to be a man and be able to do these things.

There really isn’t much analysis for this one. After arranging all the pieces in list form, the song reveals Ciara’s true wish: to be a man. In a classic example of Freudian penis envy, Ciara is jealous of all the things men get to do, like taking out the trash. I can only assume that since this song is so envious of men, she’d only include things she wants to do. But this song has a deeper message: women are bad with electronics. She mentions cell phones explicitly and implicitly, with the end result of the listener being bludgeoned to death over the head with her message. It’s all in the song if you look hard enough.

Birthday Sex by Jeremiah

First impressions: For as much as I hate my generation, this may be the shining beacon of hope. This is my generation's computer, Model T, etc. Birthday Sex. It even sounds awesome and totally not something Jeremiah made up to get laid. As a social experiment, take a piece of trash and give to someone while saying "hey, I got you a present." Most of the time, they instinctively accept the trash, before realizing what it is. I am hoping that birthday sex is like this.

I am amazed at how Jeremiah can take something that is obviously all about him and repackage it as a gift. He says he knows she wants it, even if they only go to his house, sit on the couch, and drink. Meaning, he gets to drive a short distance, not have to pay for a hotel motel Holiday Inn, and he can get her drunk, so birthday sex is even easier. Jeremiah is the Tom Sawyer of our day. Yes, Jeremiah, I would like to paint you fence. That sounds awesome. He then renames his drunken horniness as passion, making the girl feel special for being the one to find it.

The next verse is again all about him and how he wakes up fiending for her body. He, in another genius move, says "you don't need candles and cake, just need your body to make birthday sex." It was HIS responsibility to get the birthday cake, but he makes it sound like it's a favor to her that they no longer need candles/cake. Like for your third birthday when all you wanted was a big wheels but your dad came home with cinder blocks and said they were way better because you could build stuff and play with them more and all you wanted was a big wheels and you fell and hurt yourself on the cinder blocks and they still wouldn't fucking give you a big wheel. That's what this girl probably feels like. When you want cake, dick is no substitute.

In describing the birthday sex, to be blunt it does not sound appealing. It's so unenjoyable that during their "wrestling" he has to beg her not to tap out even though she's thirsty and has some STD that makes her mouth taste like Hersheys. If the wrestling metaphor wasn't doing it for you, he switches to an ocean themed sexcapade. The idea is about the same but instead of wrestling and tapping out, he's diving into her ocean and floating on his water bed. Very classy and subtle.

He finishes with one final disappointment. She specifically asked for roses on the bed, and instead got him for hours instead. I can only imagine him as the black George Castanza, back arched, ready to please, tighty whiteys like the last clean bit of snow in an Alaskan oil spill. But again, he spins it into a positive, and the tradition of birthday sex is born. (How do you celebrate? Trip to Vegas).

The logic employed by Jeremiah propels him lowly horny shmuck to uber-genius. He takes something he really wants, suggests they do it in the way that is most beneficial to him, and then makes it seem as if he is doing a favor for his girl. If she protests he again makes it seem like enduring will better for both of them. Whatever her opposition, just reassure her that it's in her best interests to do what you want, and it'll be better in the end. This man has wisdom to share, and I will follow him near and far to find the Jedi mind tricks he employs to brainwash the female race.

Drinkin' Beer and Wastin' Bullets by Luke Bryan

First impressions: Bryan’s lyrical style is akin to a third grader trying to rhyme (or a group of college kids when a 9 is pulled in Kings Cup). Out in the sticks and the squirrels and ticks/ Andy my 30-06, runnin’ out of Miller Lite. Like I said, amateur hour.

Bryan then brags about all he has because of his riches: a truck that you can put in park and the only dog in the world that doesn’t bark. Presumably the rest of his money went to high class alcohols and ammunition. He then says something peculiar: it’s a couple hours til dark, and he wishes one would walk by. Presumably, he is talking about a dog, as he just mentioned his. But in keeping with the level of this song, Bryan starts a new line and doesn’t elaborate at all. Further keeping in his 3rd-grade level style, Bryan says he might as well have left his gun in the gun rack. Nothing like disambiguation. If he had said “left my gun in the rack,” I’d be plum confused. Which rack? Iraq? Is this song about the war? No, because he said gun rack. Thank you Mr Bryan, your repetitive redundancy has stopped me from wild, and most likely incorrect, speculation. He finishes the stanza with a message for the kids: if you can’t find something to shoot, drink a lot of beer and make sure the only person who is sober enough to drive is your dog.

Bryan’s rhyming deteriorates further, until he is so drunk he resorts to rhyming exclusively within the lines. God knows if you took more than an hour to write a song and make things rhyme, it wouldn’t be fresh anymore. Always the business-savvy drunkard, Bryan pushes through to complete his ballads, not worrying about style, content, format, or length (this song is 3 verses long). Anyway, he is waiting for deer (of which there are none), shooting empty beer cans (which he misses), and talking to his baby, who is worried her mentally challenged boyfriend has wandered into someone’s corn field again. And, sure enough, he has. After making a baaad John Deer(e) pun, Bryan admits he is at a corn field, on his second box of bullets, and he is just glad he doesn’t have a boss. After consulting the experts, I have determined that Bryan should have been hunting in a soybean field, as corn grows high, ans when there’s lots of tall stuff in front of deer, it’s hard to shoot them.

The final unique line of this song “ain’t seen a big buck but it’s been a good day” exempliies this song and singer for me. First of all, with all the intra-line rhyming he’s done, he missed the most obvious rhyme of all. He hasn’t seen a buck, but he doesn’t give a [censored]? Also, he says he went out hunting, but all he has killed is a 12-pack of Miller Lite, but it’s still a good day. That’s completely ludicrous. That’s like an NBA superstar, we’ll call him LeGone, who decides not to try in the playoffs and saying “it’s a good day because I get to live in Miami next year with my friends.” NO. You failed. It’s not a good day. You tried to do something and completely failed, and now you’re trying to act like you really didn’t want it in the first place. If all you wanted to do was drink beer and shoot cans, be like every other redneck and do it from the kiddie pool in your back yard. Don’t go get smashed on someone’s farm then put your dog in the awkward spot of having to drive you home. He’s been drinking too, do you think it’s any safer to have an uninsured dog drive you home? Either Luke Bryan is the least responsible, least motivated hunter alive, or he is literally retarded. This leads me to believe he is not the former, and thus Luke Bryan is literally retarded.

Rain is a Good Thing by Luke Bryan

First impression: “My daddy spent his life staring up at the sky.” This reminds me of something heard from someone who lived on a farm: turkeys are so dumb that when it rains they stare up at the sky and will drown if you don’t take them inside. I guess what I’m saying is that I hope that his dad is not a turkey or from Turkey. Moving on.

He learned a valuable lesson from his dad: rain is a good thing. He then elaborates that rain is good because it makes corn, which in turn makes whiskey, which in yet another turn makes his baby feel “frisky.” I can’t help but wonder if he learned this from his dad, too. If he did (which I think we can all agree he did), then his dad would have been talking about the singer’s mom. This song could clearly only be a country song, as singing about your dad getting your mom drunk/frisky is only acceptable in the south. Not being from the south, for me this song just took a very weird turn.

He then goes into needless detail about how the whiskey makes his girl frisky. Apparently they purchase the whiskey at a bar, and enjoy it with friends. This is not interesting. What is interesting is that he reveals that he “hunts his honeys down” which makes me question whether this song is indeed about humans. After all, the singer has already shown an unusual amazement/love of rain, which no person would. I’m gonna say he’s an animal, presumably a predator, until he proves me wrong. This song is more than meets the ears.

Next he talks about another reason why rain is a good thing: it drives females inside for shelter. When it rains and the “tin roof starts talkin’ that’s the best love we made.” I am assuming now that he is an advanced predator, one who waits in caves, abandoned barns, etc for his prey. When they come in to find relief from the shelter he gives them...well, you know. These are clearly animals who do not like the rain. Maybe some kind of large cat like a mink or cougar.

He finishes with reasons why humans should like rain, too. 1) the creek rises, 2) country girls love to cuddle, and 3) there are mud puddles. It seems our singer is a wily hunter who has observed his human co-inhabitants in order to gain some understanding as to their feelings about rain. Much like Frankenstein’s monster, he waits in barns, under brush, etc for women to run for cover, right into his deformed, loving hands. In a Pavlovian response to rain, this monster gets excited, because he knows mating time has come. The women will soon flock to whatever cover he is hiding in, and boy are they in for a surprise. The Frankenstein angle also explains the first quandary I had about the song: the mother-lust. Since the monster had no mother, he does not know the social implications of lusting after your mom. He does not know it is icky and gross to think of your parents in any way like that. This makes perfect sense. It also explains why his dad spent all his life staring at the sky. Dr Frankenstein was a dreamer. He wanted to create life. He was often seen staring at the heavens, looking for divine intervention. He spent his whole life dedicated to one goal, and he eventually finally achieved it.

In an homage to a classic novel, Luke Bryan (surely a pseudonym, as it is the most stereotypical country name ever) has woven an intricate and layered story that seemingly revolves around getting laid. After thorough examination, though, we can clearly see the deep anthropological and social underpinnings of a true modern-day narrative about a misunderstood monster. It is refreshing to see Bryan has taken to reinvigorating the timeless classic “Frankenstein”, much like Taylor Swift has breathed new life in the stale, boring Romeo and Juliet storyline. The narrative Bryan lays out has the threads of misunderstanding, aqua-wonder, and social rejection all woven into a breathtaking tapestry of wonder which leaves me wanting more. I want to see him tackle “Pride and Prejudice” using only words related tractors and beer. I think a man of Bryan’s ability and love of farm equipment is the only man for the job.

Someday by Rob Thomas

First impressions: Rob Thomas is singing about someone who's sad about something...and it's not him! Glad to see he's branching out at least a little bit.

Apparently, someone (I'll assume it's a girl, but he never says so I don't know...) is sad. It seems that it is our job to figure out what she's so sad about. She is sad about something which can be started over, and which causes her must anxiety and sadness inside. Brainstorm: computer trouble, writing a newspaper column, writing your thesis for grad school, doing a jigsaw puzzle, playing a game of Spider Solitaire on 4 suits, watching Forest Gump and trying not to cry (Jennay!!). The list goes on, but this seems like a decent list to start with.

In order to find out the source of the woman's anxiety, we need to analyze what we know of her distress. It is something that can be figured out, and would thus end any doubt. If figured out, it would make their lives better. It seems whatever this is is driving a wedge between Rob and his lady friend. The weird piece is "maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud." On the surface, this would mean his ladyfriend is mute, and someday will regain her voice. But on a deeper level, it means that they would openly share their emotions with eachother. But Robby is even deeper. So deep in fact, that he really does mean she is mute. He knows that you think you know what he is thinking, so he goes one more level and fools you. Only an intimate knowledge of Rob's psyche (Which I have purchased on eBay for just such an occasion) would reveal this. So we know now that at this point he is talking about a mute woman who's muteness needs to be solved that she can express her emotions which are riddling her with frustration.

At this point, we can't tell if her muteness is voluntary or induced by some yet-to-be-cured disease. He says that someday they'll figure it out, put an end to doubt, and make things better. This could refer to finding a cure to her incurable muteness. He then pleads with her to change her mind, indicating she can speak, but chooses not to. He also says he wants her to tell him, give it to him straight and slow. Looking past the obvious sexual tone of this line, we can see that she can talk, but chooses not to. He just wants to start over, again indicating she could at one point talk to him. This could mean that he knew her before, when she did talk, and now has reconnected with her, but she refuses to speak.

I think it's obvious by now that Rob is in love with a mime, but has found out that hand gestures are not enough to say I Love You. He wants to know that she loves him, and "put an end to all his doubt," but he can't be sure without words. He is apparently unaware that actions speak louder than words, and signing "I love you" would be better. Given that he knew her before, I am speculating that Rob has always loved her, and could only now tell her how he felt. In a sad, Hollywood-esque turn of events, though, she (who has always loved him too) is now unable to tell him that she loves him. A topsy-turvy roller coaster of a tale of lovers, never able to be together, all told through song. I have no words but bravo, Mr Thomas. Bravo

Note: We know she is a mime because If she was taking a vow of silence, Rob would understand and mention this aspect of her muteness. According to his Wikipedia, Thomas is an active advocate for many causes, and thus would be accepting to someone's crusade. He would not besmirch her reputation by making her out to be a cold, heartless, voluntarily mute person.

Telephone by Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce (Knowles)

First impressions: Gaga is at a club, where she has no service, and is apparently busy. Despite this, she is talking on the telephone to someone who called her earlier, while she was busy/without service. She is thus either a liar or has a magical phone. She clearly has service, because she can call him back, unless her new ESP powered iPhone just arrived. I don’t like two things: hippies and psychic-voodoo-santeria witchcraft, so I don’t like this song already.

She goes on to say that she can’t hear him, and this is due to her being "kinda busy". I know what she means. I really wanted to clean my apartment last week, but I was kinda busy sitting on the couch. There is no way she's going to be free enough to hear him. But the caller does not believe her, and presses further as to the nature of her business. She soon admits that the real reason she's too busy to talk to the caller is because her favorite song is going to play. It's not playing now, but it will soon, and she wants to be ready for when it does play. This is perfectly logical. You may be thinking "can't she just text him?" This question, too, is answered. She cannot, because she has a drink in her hand. As everyone knows, it is impossible to text with just one hand. Phones were not made to be used by anyone with less than 10 fingers, as to keep the undesirables from making calls. No one wants to hear the story of how you lost your arm. Again. Back to Lady. So far, her story checks out. As with any good negotiation, she makes a good counteroffer: make plans with her when she's not busy. Now she's almost busy, and her song is almost on, and it's way too much to ask to try to talk to her. Do you try to interview the resident right before it's almost the day before a speech? No. You don't.

Apparently, the caller does not accept the upcoming playing of Lady's favorite song as a valid reason for why she can't talk, and in her panic she comes up with these reasons: she doesn't want to think anymore, she doesn't want to talk anymore (the only valid reason given), she left her head and her heart on the dance floor, and she's sipping champagne. From this we can conclude that she refuses to use her brain, and her hand and heart are lost as well. She's losing all her major organs, and I can only assume that her liver is next by the amount of bub she drinks in this song alone. This seems like the subject for another song, though. We don't want to make this one too complicated and hard to understand. As a side note, I don't understand how she can drink champagne without her head, but can't figure out how to text with one hand.

Now Beyonce (Knowles) comes in to back her friend up. Apparently the incessant calls and/or texts have caused them both a great deal of heartache and stress. It is doubtful that they even got to enjoy their favorite song that was about to come on it a little bit. Beyonce's phone clearly has the same shortfalls as Lady's. There is no way to silence the calls, or block a number from calling her phone. There is also clearly no power button, and as a result she is constantly embarrassed by her blaring cellphone ringing all the time. Wouldn't it be a happy coincidence if her ringtone was Lady's favorite song? I think that'd make a perfect Lady Gaga song. She could call it "Ringtone," and it would have just as much substance as any of the other mindless drivel she produces. But I digress.

When it comes down to it, this song is really a cry for innovation in the telephone industry. Gaga uses the archaic term telephone, despite everyone else calling them "phones," "cellphones," "iPhones" etc. She artfully draws up the feelings of angst, anxiety, and sheer frustration that come to mind when we reminisce on when we used telephones, so long ago. Gaga needs a phone with many features currently unavailable on cellphones: a way to turn off the phone, so the night is not a disaster; a way to turn down the ringer on the telephone, perhaps with another feature where the phone could buzz or vibrate to signal an incoming call; a way to block incoming calls from a certain number; a way to text with one hand, maybe by installing a full keyboard or a way for one button to represent 3 or 4 letters. Though this technology is not on the horizon, maybe someday it will be here, and we can all just dance in bliss, without these disasters. After all, the Jetsons dared to dream, and now I live in a city above the clouds and commute in a hover-car. Is it really too much to ask to have our phones be dance-floor friendly?

Bed Rock by Young Money

First impression: what the fuck is this song about? From the first stanza we can see that she has a nice ass, he kills time (and is therefore a murderer), he "knocks her lights out", she has a nice ass (still), and he is training her for some kind of athletic event. She is also cold and hot simultaneously (crazy?! I know). This song seems to be a roller coaster already, I just hope I can hang on.

He now switches his tone, saying he likes the girl to walk toward him. This is in stark contrast to the first stanza, in which he said he likes to watch her leave. I don't know if he's dumb and forgot what he JUST SAID, or if this line is supposed to be in addition to his first statement. Only time will tell. Gudda Gudda (that's his name, I guess) now goes into a ramble more inane than his ridiculous name. In a series on non-sequiturs he ends with "grocery bag." We can only infer what he means, since this phrase is simply inserted at the end with no clue as to what it means. I have deduced that there are only two probable solutions: 1) he has murdered a woman (he already admitted to killing time and stealing love, so his rap sheet could be long), and is now carrying her around in a grocery bag or 2) he has purchased a woman, either by the hour or from a guy in an alley, and thus it is akin to his groceries, which he carries in a: Grocery Bag.`

Lloyd now takes over this mindless, aimless rant, and spouts off more slightly clever, very remedial similes and tried-and-failed pick up lines. He begins by addressing his object of affection as baby. good start. He then says he's stuck to her like glue. I think a more apt description is "I'm stuck to you with gross Hennessey-induced sweat, baby." He then says his room is the g-spot. He clearly could not find the g-spot, and thus decided to change the meaning of it all together to hide his shame. When all else has failed (which it most certainly has) he reverts back to one of the best pickup lines based on a cartoon ever created : you can call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bed rock.

Having failed to get anywhere with Lloyd and Wayne, aka Dumb and Dumber, the duo tags in a female singer, Nicki Minaj. With a voice that is sure to send dogs running, Nicki renders a heartfelt, tear-inducing ballad. I weep for anyone who makes the mistake of talking to this girl. Not only does she clearly not know how to describe her sex life (putting your pussy on a guy's sideburns is not sexy/satisfying/remotely erotic. I don't care what your vagina has to say, so don't put it to my ear). The last lines are too dumb to reiterate, leading us to believe that the guys from stanzas one and two have now lowered their standards and are hitting on girls on the Special Olympics. Bestest is not a word! Anyone who took a third grade English class knows that best is the superlative. Like Nicki is the ShittiEST rapper ever and listening to her singing gives me the biggEST headache. The "est" implies it's the top, and there is thus no need to put a second "est" on the end, as in bestEST.

Drake takes over the mic, and his serenade reveals that he has also lowered the bar on physical attractiveness, having already taken the bar down as far as mental capacity goes. Drake would like a girl with a "sushi roll" which is hotter than wasabi. The heat is most likely the result of the many infections this fine, large woman has developed over the years. He races for her love. If he's racing her in a footraces, I bet he wins. He says he needs GPS to find her, presumably because the only way to find her is from an aerial view.

For Tyga, the next rapper in this sad, sad line, he doesn't even need a woman who is anything like him. She likes tanning, romancing, Oxygen, lotion, and roller coasters. He likes his friends (not in a gay way, though), ESPN (because he's straight, remember?). He likes taking naked pictures of this girl (again, he's straight, you know). The girl then spouts off some lines that have nothing to do with anything, indicating it is again Nicki Minaj singing, because no one else in the world is seriously this dumb.

The last singer, Jae Millz, goes for the "Ms Independent type." This go-girl gets mad when you call her gorgeous rather than flawless, and thinks that this makes her independent, not bitchy. We don't get much insight into this girl, as Millz focuses mainly on himself, and how he feels. This could spell trouble for any relationship these two may have, because no matter how independent she is, she still needs attention.

This song is clearly about the perils of the dating world, and how hard it is to find a girl who not only meets your ever-lowering standards, but will also respond to bad pickup lines and reward them with bedrocking. The song is really saying that true love is hard to find, and we all should compromise. Some compromise on their intillectual standards, while others are lax on physical attractiveness. Still others don't even need a girl who is like them in any way. Some people will relax all these needs and be willing to date Nicki Minaj. Taking a cue from Stephen Stills: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Bedrock is simply a modern twist on a classic tale, just with more made-up words, incomplete thoughts, and inane ideas than normal.

One Time by Justin Bieber

First impression: Justin Bieber is a liar. He has already told me three times.

JB clearly has a heart condition, as a person’s heart should not go knock knock. His stomach also seems to be suspect, as he has constant butterflies. It is interesting that he does not see a doctor about these ailments. It is also worrisome that he seems to want to climb a mountain (of love). Any mountain climbing can be bad for someone with a heart condition. I don’t know if this is a cautionary tale. Only time will tell.

He seems to be trying the age-old courting tactic of finding common ground. He goes a little far, though, when he tries to woo the object of his affection. He establishes that they are both on the same planet (your world is my world). He then goes deeper and says he’s on her side (your fight is my fight). But then it gets a little creepy when he says that her breath is his breath. I don’t know how possible that is, but it’s sure creepy.

I still believe this is a cautionary tale for those with heart problems. At 16, JB already believes that he is in love. At this point, I think this song is an ode to his xbox. Or his blow dryer, judging by his hair. I have a feeling this is one of those questions that won't be answered until the sequel comes out.

Whoever this song is to, she looks really deep inside JB’s 16 yr old heart and humbles him. I assume this is because he has done some terrible, despicable things in his life, and she is now blackmailing him. This theory is supported when he says “many have called but the chosen is you” and “whatever you want I’ll give it to you.” JB has done so many bad things, that he’s had many blackmailers before. Now he’s gotten to the point where he has done something so bad that he has to give this girl whatever she wants. He can't hide anymore.

It seems that what his blackmailer wanted was for Justin to tell her one time that he loves her. This leads me to the conclusion that this girl is blackmailing him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCm8tdHkfI . He seems to have developed Stockholm syndrome, as he is now sympathizing with his blackmailer and her fight. It also appears that the reason they share the same breath is because he has kidnapped her, and they are in the same room. We can only guess that Justin is being held against his will and is trying to communicate with us covertly through this song.

His admission of love was not convincing enough. He told her more than 10 times that he loves her, and yet she does not believe him. He tries more lines, like “you’re my #1 girl” and she his one love yadda yadda yadda. He ends up offering everything he owns “down to his last dime.” He ends the song with a desperate plea for the girl not to shatter his squeaky clean image. It’s all he has, and it would ruin him if his secrets come out. Look for the sequel to this song “I told you one time (then I pulled the trigger).”

This song is Bieber’s “Confessions.” Think Tiger Woods if he could sing. It tells of his harrowing journey to deal with his deep secrets, and the one girl who knows him best (and wants to extort every dime out of him). He is almost certainly being held somewhere until his captor is convinced that he loves her. We can only hope the authorities get to him in time.