Echo by R Kelly

First impressions: He wants to hear her echo. Either they are heving sex in a cave (or large closet) or he wants her to repeat what he's saying. What guy doesn't want his girl to grunt like a caveman. Gone are the sexy moans.

The intro is very interesting. He says that his girl does not have to clock in today. He has been considerate enough to call her boss and say she ain't coming in today (but she is, presumably, still coming today). This is a nice gesture by a husband who wants to give his woman a day off. After all, she is apparently the breadwinner, as he did not have to call into work for the day off. The problem is, though, that he is not her husband, and there may be more selfish motives for his call. he says she should "pack a bag and come to my place" for "sex in the morning[and] sex all day." I can only imagine the awkward call from R to the woman's boss. I'm sure it raised more questions than answers for the bass. Who is calling in? Why does she need the day off? Does sex all day qualify for sick leave?

In completely unnecessary detail, R now tells her what to do once she gets to the house. She should 1) not hesitate, 2) don't wait, 3) drop her bags, 4) get herself a drink, 5) find the box with a surprise in it for her (next to the sink), and 6) come in the bedroom for sex all day. This reminds me a little of To Catch a Predator where the unsuspecting visitor goes through the house and doesn't realize what's going on until it's too late. Given the subtlety of the song, the box either contains lube, a sheepskin condom, or an IOU for romance. He smooth talks her into his bed, with gems suck as "wanna fuck you like crazy," "hope you're ready to go all day," and "I hope you're ready to scream and moan." I was with him until scream. Given the creepiness of this song so far, I'm more a little suspicious that those screams are of pain, not passion.

HYe then goes into the true heart of this masterpiece: I want to hear your echo. To add an extra layer to the painting, he yodels to demonstrate what an echo sounds like. Now, if you're like me, you're still confused. What is an echo? What is yodeling? Questions demand answers. Luckily, R has you covered. If it helps, imagine a mountain. That's what R does. We know this because whenever he mentions the word echo in the video, he is on top of a mountain. We now see that he is not having sex in a cave or closet. Rather, he is on top of a mountain. And, we can surmise, he wants his girl to yodel and echo for him.

In true R Kelly fashion, there is more (completely unnecessary) detail to come. He says he's working it up and down like a roller coaster. Reminds me of snake sex. He then says he digs his nails into her spine. Really? I honestly think this song will someday be admitted as evidence in a murder trial. Luckily, he gives the roller coaster a break after round 10. During this break, the ever-gentlemanly Kelly let's her up, lets her breathe, lets her wash her face and get something to eat. This is an excellent example of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Her most basic need, of course, is sex all day. Second is the need to be let up. Third is breathing, fourth is cleanliness, and fifth is nourishment. Yep, it's all there. This song has a strong theoretical base, and because of that it truly flourishes.

R then says that because the girl is screaming so much, it sounds like she is on a mountain top. Because as everyone knows, you only scream atop mountains. He also mentions that they are going to go to heaven if they keeping coming. R seems to think that by being physically closer to heaven, it increases his chances to go to heaven. I guess he is hoping that the bible was kidding about the whole no premarital sex thing.

The rest of the song is mostly the same imagery and empty promises of prolonged loving. This song may as well be called Birthday Sex 2, because it is just as genius as Jeremiah's anthem. R successfully convinces this woman that this day is a romantic day away from the office. But let's recap the day. This woman, is obliviously preparing for work when she gets a call from R. He says to come over, pack a bag, and prepare for sex. Also, he went ahead and called her boss and told him that this woman will be busy for the day and won't be in to the office. He then sends her on a terrible treasure hunt which ends with her in his bedroom. She is most likely wondering what's going on, and instead of an explanation, Kelly gives her a terrible mountain metaphor and proceeds to have a lot of, let's be honest, most likely mediocre sex all day. He needs to realize that sometimes quality is better than quantity. Keep that in mind next time you are about to release your 11th album, and the best you have to offer is bad sex all day. I'm looking at you, R.

Like a G6 by Far East Movement

First impressions: Far East Movement (FEM) likes to get slizzered. Words that sounds like slizzered: scissored, lizard, wizard, Switzerland, blizzard, gizzards. So by the transitive property, this term has something to do with Swiss wizards who like gizzards.

FEM goes on to say that they are fly like a G6. Now, there are several things lthis could mean. The meaning is left up to the listener because a G6 is not a plane, as one would expect when listening to the song.. There is a G650, which is a private business jet. But this would mean that FEM is not being exact in their word choice, and this is a ridiculous conclusion. They are nothing if not clear. Afterall, who else uses the ultra-specific and never vague term "slizzard?" No one. No, I think the far more plausible conlusion is that FEM is referring to the Pontiac G6. This car, a symbol of elegance and American automaking superiority, has long been a car only purchased by the elite. The G6 is now a classic car, as production stopped way back in 2009. Only the flyest, the upper-echelon of class and culture would drive these. Yes, this song must be referring to the Pontiac G6.

He says that he wants 2 more bottles of champagne "because it don't stop." We can tell that he is very popular, because for Asians this amount of alcohol can supply several girls with a blackout level of drunkenness. He then says that when sober girls are around him they act like they're drunk. This could tell us that he hangs out with non-Asians who feel pity for him when he's drunk, the alcohol's gone, and the girls are still sober. It could also be that he got Martinelli's sparkling cider instead of champagne to avoid the associated Asian glow. I'm leaning toward the former. Going on this assumption, we can see that these girls are very empathetic. Knowing the guys are drunk, they don't want to create an awkward situation, so they too pretend to be drunk. No one like to be the drunk person amid a crowd of sober people, and these girls are very sympathetic to these feelings. We can surmise that this is due to his level of fly (so fly), which has been unabashedly shown to the girls when they were driven home in his classic G6.

They go on to say that they keep it gangsta and pop bottles at the crib. He then instructs the girl to "take that bottle to the head, and let me see you fly." He is a real gangsta, clearly. He takes the girl back to his house, where his baby momma has left his child "in the crib" so to speak while he was out. not wanting the child to feel left out, he pops bottles in the crib, most likely entertaining the child to no end. He then goes all Chris/Bobby Brown on her and whacks his mistress with the empty bottle over the head. This could be for any number of reasons for this. His alcohol-engulfed brain may think it is entertaining for his child. But the most likely reason is whiskey dick (or Sake dick in this case). His impotent rage led him to throw away his fledgling career. The final original verse finds FEM telling someone "to put they hands up". He has apparently pulled a gun on the woman who he hit earlier. This has gone from bad to worse to OJ.

This cautionary tale of the perils of alcohol takes us through all the steps leading up to an up-and-coming rap star throwing his career away for some dumb ho. First, he does not buy her enough alcohol. This leaves the young lady unimpaired and not comforting to her "slizzered" companion's situation. When he goes home and tries to involve his young child in the festivities, the sober women doth protest. He beats her senseless with an empty champagne bottle and pulls a gun on her. Unlike Chris/Bobby though, FEM has come out with this tale before the inevitable court case to serve as some sort of buffer to help with the upcoming negative press. If only Chris had come out with his anthem "Sorry about your Face," before Rihanna made big fuss about it. By warning all potential companions, FEM has removed all liability from themselves, ensuring they'll be around for a long time (Yay!!).

Teenage Dream by Katy Perry

First impressions: someone thinks this is pretty. Eek. The guy obviously has some thick prescription glasses that he recently lost.

He also thinks that she's funny when she gets the punchline wrong. In other words, he is laughing at her, not with her. He also tells her she is pretty when she is not. And, for these niceties which one would give to his/her grandparents, she lets her "walls" down [wink wink]. Who knew she was so easy? Oh wait...

Apparently the object of her affection saved her life, literally. He brought her back to life, much like Dr Frankenstein. And what does she give in return for this unspeakably valuable gift? She's his valentine and every February she gives him that sweet sweet zombie loving. Her cold hands on his body. Her moans are now of pleasure, not the mundane undead brain cravings that usually plague his life. It's more than he could ever have hoped for. Fembots have nothing on Zombielovers.

She then says "you and I will be young forever." The wording is important, as she is forcing him to be young. And eternal youth can mean only one thing in this case: she wants to make him an undead as well. She wants to "go all the way," and make him undead too. She says she wants to "dance until we die." This seems contradictory with the young forever thing, but it's not. She wants to "dance with him" until he becomes undead like her, and they will be young forever together.

She makes a thinly veiled reference to her plans to runaway with him while he sleeps and dreams like a teenager (Teenage Dreams). She wants to make him undead and go past the point of no retrurn, or "never look back" if you will. I presume her love interest is the only man capable of bringing people back to life, so if he is undead as well it will be impossible for him to return to human form. Misery loves company, and she wants someone to spend all eternity with. But you may be wondering "how does she turn the man who brought her back to life into a fellow zombie?"

Luckily, in the next verse she explains her detailed plan about how she will make him undead. She plans to take him to Cali(fornia), get him drunk on the beach, bring him to a motel, make a fort out of sheets to disguise her misdoings from passersby, and then the evil begins. She tempts by letting him put his hands on her thighs, which are barely covered by skin tight jeans. She leaves off the end of her plan, but we can assume that her lover wakes up with a massive headache, some cold skin, and no heartbeat. Plus, Katy Perry's not going to be wearing any makeup. Do we need a reminder of how bad that is?

Airplanes by B.O.B.

First impressions: Bob wants to pretend that airplanes are like shooting stars, because he wants to make a wish. Very superstitious, Robert wants to ensure that his wish is not wasted, and that the superstition gods approve of his substituting a shooting star with an airplane. Personally, I'd find a dandelion, wait until 11:11 or 12:21, or wait for my birthday. Seems more clear cut than a wish that may not even come true;. Those other ones are sure things. Oh shit, I forgot find a genie lamp. Good thing B.O.B. remembered for me. That's another really easy way to get a sure fire, high quality wish. None of these imported, knockoff wishes that might not even be compatible with your dreams.

It seems that Robbie wants a wish to turn back time, because the newfound fame and fortune has only brought pain. Obviously the only way to get rid of fame and fortune is to turn back time. It's really hard to get the public to forget about you. Just ask Paula Abdul. Also, money also lasts forever because stuff is just so cheap these days. There's nothing for a rich, young kid to blow his money on. Tyson knows what I'm saying. Bobby also says that he's staring at his phone hoping people don't call him back. I swear to Jesus if one more "artist" makes a song about how they cannot figure how to turn their go**am phone off I'm going to take away phone from our generation. If you can't use it, you're gonna lose it. Also, I am now unsure as to what he will use his hard-earned wish for. Maybe tech support?

The next verse talks about more specific reasons why the Bobster wants to go back in time. He no longer wants to get paid for making music. Then give away your CDs. Moving on. He then says that he's rapping to stay relevant. But he wants to be irrelevant. Thus, stop rapping (Please do this) and then you won't need a wish. These problems are beginning to look like they can all be solved relatively easily, thus eliminating the need for wishes and airplanes. He also says he wants to change the rap game and end the seemingly endless politics in said game. It seems that a career change into, say, politics would help him. What better way to waste all his money than finance a futile campaign for president. This would also make him irrelevant, as he would definitely lose. Afterall, who would vote for an incompetent, whiny rich boy with little political experience? That'll be the day that some guy becomes president for some less than legit reason...like his dad was president or something crazy like that. On second thought, he should find a wish. That'd be less dangerous for the future of America.

This is the ballad of a tortured Cobain-esque artist who now feels the pressures of fame and fortune. He thought he'd get into the game, make a lot of money, not be treated any differently, not have a phone that he has to answer all the time, and all would be good. And who can blame him? Rap feuds so rarely turn ugly and/or dangerous. He now wants to find a way to fade from public view, lose his money, break his phone, and change the politics of the rap game. The answer: wishing at airplanes. Obviously.

Words that now Rhyme

Usually I comment on specific songs, but this time I'd like to comment on songs as a whole. Listening to songs from the last decade or so has made me have a new appreciation for the ability to rhyme. At first I thought the artists of my generation lacked this ability, because they constantly wrote songs that were either not even close to rhyming or were just far enough off to not be close. Then I did some esearch (It's like the research old people used to do, but on the world wide web internets). I soon came to learn that since the time when I learned to rhyme, in 3rd grade, there have been new exceptions to the rhyming rules. To understand the way we now rhyme, let's begin with the new exceptions to the traditional rules. The following pairs of words now rhyme. I have also included the name of the researcher who discovered the rhyme, and the paper in which they discuss their discovery.

Ke$ha is the first major contributer, with these:

clock & stop

i.e Tick tock on the clock/And the party don't stop (Ke$ha, Tik Tok)

pop & up

i.e. Don't stop, make it pop/DJ blow my speakers up (Ke$ha, Tik Tok)

out & down

i.e. We go until they kick us out/Or the police shut us down (Ke$ha, Tik Tok)

find & time

i.e. What you got boy is hard to find/I think about it all the time (Ke$ha, Your Love is my Drug)

fried & mind

i.e. I'm all strung out my heart is fried/I just can't get you off my mind (Ke$ha, Your Love is my Drug)

me & away

i.e. I get so high when you're with me/But crash and crave you when you are away (Ke$ha, Your Love is my Drug)

As we can, anyone not familiar with the new rules would think that none of Kesha's songs were rhyming. Under the new exceptions, though, these are all acceptable rhymes.

Lil Wayne is also among the cornerstone figures in this new rhyme movement. Here are several of his contributions:

bad & ass

i.e. She got that good good, she Michael Jackson bad/I'm attracted to her, for her attractive ass

time & shine

i.e. And now we murderers, cuz we kill time/Knock her lights out, and she still shine

leave & team

i.e. I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her leave/But I keep her running back and forth like a soccer team

bad & bag

i.e. She don't even wonder cuz she know she bad/and I got her, nigga, grocery bag

G spot & bedrock

i.e. My room is the G-spot/Call me Mr Flinstone I can make your bed rock

bike & whites

i.e. I'm so pretty like, me on my pedal bike/He on my low scrunch, he on my echo whites

lobby & anybody

i.e. I'm at the W but I can't meet you in the lobby/Girl I gotta watch my back, cuz I'm not just anybody

conscious is & ESPN

i.e. She says I'm caged in, I think her conscious is/She watching that Oxygen, I'm watchin ESPN

B.O.B. is relatively new on the scene, but he has contributed several key amendments to the rhyming consitution. They include:

Girls & World

i.e. Beautiful girls, all over the world

Chasing & Wasted

i.e. I could be chasing, but my time would be wasted

Package & taxes & plastic

i.e. Baby, you the whole package, plus you pay your taxes/And you keep it real while them others stay plastic

These exceptions, though, are not enough to warrant the complete ovberhaul of the rhyming rules that bhas occured over the past 10 years. Just like how the amendments do not rewrite the contitution, these exceptions are not enough. That being said, there are several basic changes to rhyming which, when taken together, completely throw the traditional rules out the window. Here are a few new rules to follow when trying to make a song rhyme:

1) Repetition of the same word at the end of every line is now an acceptable method of rhyming. If all the words are the same, then they have to rhyme!

2) If you cannot find a word to rhyme with a previous line, distort the pronunciations of words until they rhyme

EX: Toddler and More did not rhyme, but Nicki Minaj made them rhyme by pronouncing "toddler" like "todd-lore." This makes them sound like they rhyme without having to actually rhyme.

3) You can also simply make the words of your song unintelligible. Most people are naive and will assume they rhyme.

4) If you have two words that do rhyme but you cannot find a way to put them at the end of the lines, then you may change the emphasis onto words that do rhyme, but are not at the end of the line.

EX: "And i don't wanna sound redundant/But i was wondering if there was something that you wanna know" [for an explanation of why these two words rhyme, see rule 7 below].

5) Don't be afraid of not rhyming. If you have something to say just say it! Don't even attempt to rhyme. Just say a line, then pause for 8 beats, then start again with 2 lines that do rhyme.

5.1) Don't attempt to rhyme, but don't skip lines. Just put lines together that clearly do not even come close to rhyming, and hope/pray/sacrifice a virgin to ensure that no one can hear the words over the beat. Be like Shontelle and don't even try to rhyme for the whole song and hope no one notices (I did).

6) Fake it. If you really can't figure out how to make to words rhyme, and you drank too much to find a thesaurus to find another word, then just play it off like it rhymes. Just move right a long to the next line, and no one will ever think twice about it. Fake it until you make it.

7) The newest rhyming rule is that the last syllables of the rhyming words no longer have to rhyme. I know this may seem crazy, but hear me out. It is now sufficient to have some syllable within the words rhyme. For example, Gucci Mane says "Girls are like buses/miss one next 15 one comin." Buses and Coming do not rhyme by the traditional rules of rhyming. But the middle syllables do, so, now, this is an acceptable rhyme.

To demonstrate how far rhyming has come, I have written a short rap, expressing my views on the subject of rhymes. Here goes:

Way back when words used to rhyme

Now there's new rules about what rhyme

Let's say you can't think of a line

Have no worries, it'll be alright

Rhyming is no longer an exact science

Lots of rhymes must be deciphered

You may think you can't rhyme with silver

But I can, because I'm iller

This new wave of songs is so creative

It's not a sign that we're all retarded

We're way to busy to try and rhyme

To check a thesaurus takes lots of effort

I used to think rappers were just lazy

I made a stink and complained daily

But now I see how foolish I was

To demand quality from glorified thugs

Writing raps is so very difficult

I realize now it's not their fault

Standards have fallen, now the bar's low

And this rap got me a record deal, so I gotsta go

That literally took me 7 minutes to write. Now, if we extrapolate that data, it means that an entire song would take well over an hour to write, and an album would take almost two full days of work, assuming 8-hour workdays.

My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne

First impression: Is this song about what I think it's about? [quietly giggles with anticipation]

The song begins with moaning and Avril lamenting her inability to get a happy ending. She then asks to talk it over, saying "it's not like we're dead/was it something i did/was it something i said?" Avril obviously was much to forward when asking for a happy ending and scared off the person massaging her. Much like a stray cat, you must be slow and meticulous when requesting a happy ending. You must flirt with the subject, eventually getting what you want. Quickly thinking on her feet, though, Avril successfully covers her bases and rectifies the situation, not wanting to lose out on a happy ending.

She says "Don't leave me hanging," with the meaning of that being obvious for a male singer, but slightly disturbing for a female. I think, though, that she is using the term "hanging" metaphorically, like a woman saying "you're breaking my balls." She then says she is in a city that is dead, and she obviously just wants a little something to liven it up a bit. She says she is "held up so high/on such a breakable thread." This could be a reference to the fact that she is high up on a massage table which is held by ropes, but this is a weird image. Most massage parlors use the new invention of the four-legged table, which offers more stability than the older, rope-based tables. This parlor is obviously not quite up to snuff.

Lavigne then laments the fact that she thought she had a connection with the masseuse. It was meant to be, she says, it was supposed to be, she says, but they lost it. It comes to a head (pun intended) when she says "all this time you were pretending/so much for my happy ending." Lavigne fell so deeply in lust that she thought the masseuse actually cared about her, when really it was just for the money. She is probably the type of person who falls in love with strippers, too.

The song then takes a psychological turn, as Lavigne talks about the life/relationship she has imagined between her and her special massage-buddy. She laments that the masseuse's friends (who Lavigne has never met) think she is difficult. She is obviously projecting her own insecurities onto the situation. She then makes it the friends' fault, saying that they don't even know her. This is a great strategic move on her part. Blame the friends for never meeting her, even though they have no need to and in fact have no idea she exists.

Driving the point home, Lavigne finishes this fire-filled rant with this dagger: "It's nice to know that you were there/Thanks for acting like you cared/And making me feel like I was the only one." She obviously feels betrayed by the fact that the masseuse has other clients. She thanks the masseuse for the comfort she felt during the time they shared, but wishes it could be more. Her heart longs to be with this man who has touched her so tenderly, but alas, her Canadian-ness has turned away yet another lover.

In an ode to the post-massage release, Lavigne strikes upon the deep problems with becoming too close with your masseuse too quickly. Relationships need time to grow naturally. It's not fair to think that paying someone to rub you with oil and then (hopefully) finish the job will result in anymore connection than a one night stand. Lavigne is lucky. She rushed too fast into the relationship and didn't even get a happy ending. In the end, though, it is for the best. That must pleasure would have only resulted in even more pain. The scars will heal much more quickly this way.

Live Like We're Dying by Kris Allen

First impressions: "Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up." sounds like someone needs Life Alert . This song is about elderly people and how we should imitate them (in a respectful, subtle way) whenever possible. This is supported by the second line "We're hiding behind skin that's too tough." Here, Allen artfully mocks the wrinkly, tough skin of the elderly while also remaining in their favor by including himslef in the group of people with tough skin. This seems to be a Colbert-esque song which mocs old people right to their face.

If this song is indeed about old people, then someone old in his life did not openly express their love for him. He woefully asks "How come we don't say I love you enough?" Yes, grandma, why do you withhold your "I love you's" and instead only give me awesome presents and fresh baked cookies? I want love, not tasty morsels!

The next verse mocks the elderly's inability to feed themselves saying "Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come/And we could make a feast from these crumbs." The elderly (as any old person will tell you) ate very little during the great depression and WWII. They made meals of shoe leather, tree bark, and young children. This resourceful generation only needs a crumb to survive, but Allen, much like the Grinch, has taken everything from them, leaving so little that even the elderly complain (and we all know how infrequently they do that).

The next few lines describe staring down the barrel of a gun and your life flashing before your eyes. This is presumably hunger-induced mass suicide, effectively eliminating an entire generation. And, again mocking old people, Allen taunts them with opportunity passed, saying "What do you wish that you would have done?" Yeah, old man, now that your joints all ache, don't you wish you had skydived when you had the chance? Sucker.

In the fourth verse we finally get to the title line of the song "[we've] gotta live like we're dying." To help us understand what this means, I think a checklist is in order. Here are a few things that are necessary to be old and dying:

[note: this order is more or less in order. Thus, the first half is necessary to ensure you're acting old, and the second half is to ensure you're living your life like you're dying.]

• Have dial-up internet.
• Read the newspaper.
• Pay for everything by check.
• Have that distinct old person smell.
• Eat all meals before 4:30 pm.
• Wear pajama pants for all occasions.
• Move to Florida to live with other old people.
• Consolidate all your pills into one easy to remember place, such as a pill box.
• Knit (for women), play cirbbage/dominos/checkers (for men).
• Never drive over 20 mph.
• Drive an Oldsmobile or Cadillac.
• Complain about "darn kids," and blame them for the woes of the world and your own life failures.
• Compare everything you see to how it was when you were the age of the person you're talking to.
• Make the bed and the toilet interchangeable.
• Require oxygen tanks to breath.
• Ride an awesome scooter
• Eat you meals through a straw.
• Forget your loved ones names.
• Make a will.
• Live the rest of your life in an Alzheimer's induced blissful ignorance.

WIth the list well on its way, we can move on. After showing off his math skills and thus proving he is not elderly, Allen moves into some more literal examples of dying. He says "And if your plane fell out of the skies/Who would you call with your last goodbye?" I think the better question is what carrier do you have that your cell reception is reliable at 30,000 ft and falling? Also, maybe the phone was the reason for the crash. Just saying. He also says "you never see the crash until it's head on."

The last, oh, 60% of the song is just a repeat of what came before. This makes me wonder if Allen is indeed elderly. He seems oblivious to the fact that he's repeating himself over and over and over again. I think if he took the Wii Fit true age test he'd be at least 55. Let's examine the evidence: he is in a non-rap badn. Strike one for the young hypothesis. He repeats himself and wrote an entire song about old people. What's the first thing you do in highschool when someone tries to say you're a nerd? You make fun of nerds. But in the end, the kids are always right. Ergo, Allen is trying to disown his own oldness, when in fact he is old. Two more strikes and boom goes the old dynamite.

This song makes me happy. Finally, old people get ripped a new one. They've been getting a free ride too long just because they "worked hard" and "paid their dues" and "just want to eat in peace without getting made fun of." If you ask me, we need more of this. No one is immune. toddlers: laziest people in the world. Housecats: aspire to be something of substance, maybe a lion. The list goes on, but I'm glad we can cross old people off of it. Thank you Kris Allen. now go learn how to spell your name.

Ironic by Alanis Morissette

Note: Before I listened to this song I consulted the Oatmeal to determine what constituted irony. You can consult it here, so we're on the same page: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/irony.

First impressions: After one listening, I don't think a single example in Alanis' song is ironic. But just to be sure, let's go through them one by one and examine the potential irony of them.

"An old man turned ninety-eight/He won the lottery and died the next day." This would only be ironic if 1) he played the lottery every week and 2) was in fact killed by the giant check that he got from winning the lottery. (Bonus points if the jackpot was $98 million.)

"It's a black fly in your Chardonnay." Not even close. That's just minorly annoying. It could only be ironic if the wine was called something like "fly repellent" or "no fly zone," but then who the hell would drink it?

"It's a death row pardon two minutes too late." Nope, that's just really bad luck and timing. It would be ironic if there was a short circuit in the prison electrical lines and the phone call to pardon him set off the electric chair, thus killing him. Otherwise, just bad timing.

"It's like rain on your wedding day." Yet again, just bad luck. This seems like the bride's fault though. Who plans a completely outdoor wedding at a time of year where there could even possibly be rain?

"It's a free ride when you've already paid." This is just Alanis being confused. Once you have paid for the ride, it is then "paid." It cannot be "free" once you have paid for it. That's like saying "I went to Best Buy and gave some guy in a blue shirt $1000 and he gave me a free flatscreen!!" People like this are the reasons scams thrive. On an unrelated note, I need 10 people who love to make money and hate to work to email me RIGHT NOW for a chance at instant wealth and fame.

"It's the good advice that you just didn't take." Now that's just dumb. Why not take good advice?

"Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly/He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye/He waited his whole damn life to take that flight/And as the plane crashed down he thought/'Well isn't this nice...'"
I think this might actually be bordering on irony. But i think the fact that he went voluntarily might convolute things a bit. It is ironic that he avoided something for so long then it killed him. I think it'd be better if he avoided it for so long then a small plane crashed into his house killing only him...while his family was on a long, safe flight to Hong Kong. Well, not really better for him, but better for Alanis as now it is closer to irony.

"A traffic jam when you're already late." No. No. No. No. This is, once again, just shitty luck, and really not all that uncommon.

"A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break." That was poor planning. Here's a suggestion: move 20 feet away from where you are.

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife." Just no. As specifically addressed in the aforementioned Oatmeal article, this is not ironic. There is no reversal of fortunes. She had no reason to expect that in a spoon factory (where she obviously is, because nowhere else would have 10,000 spoons and no knife) that there would be a knife. It's like saying you were surprised that there were no penguins in Africa given how many vultures you saw. Both are birds, but neither makes it an ironic situation. Or being surprised that you went to China and didn't see a single Korean person.

"It's meeting the man of my dreams/And then meeting his beautiful wife." By definition, then, the man of your dreams is married. If this man is the man of your dreams then everything he is, even things you didn't know about, are attributes held by the man of your dreams. And since this man is married, then the man of your dreams is also married. This is not ironic, it is more of a wakeup call that maybe you should aspire higher and have better dreams.

The only truly ironic thing in this song is the fact that a well-known songwriter released a single entitled "ironic" without looking up the definition. This is in fact an entire song filled with examples of what she thought were irony but were in fact just a lot of bad luck. The chorus may shed some light onto why Alanis's examples of irony are not ironic. She says "Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you/When you think everything's okay and everything's going right." This is her definition of irony in a nutshell: when your life is going well and something disrupts this trend, then it's ironic. She has clearly confused irony with unluckiness. By her definition, most things in life would be ironic. Whenever you order a hamburger and get a chicken sandwich, it's ironic. When you beat up a hooker and she turns out to be an undercover agent, that's ironic. When your fucking shoe is untied, it's ironic. But I digress. Let's just say it seems almost criminal to build an entire song around a concept and not even use it correctly once.

Elastic Love by Christina Aguilera

Note: I had never listened to this song before I wrote this. It is ridiculous to be sure, but the lyrics warrant a quick read through understand just how nonsensical the song is.

First impression: this girl is all about office supplies. She tries to explain her love by comparing it to a rubber band, a pencil/eraser combo (double analogy ohmygod), a pencil sharpener, and a ruler. Let me try office supply analogies. My love for this song is like a red crayon. At first I am full, excited, and bright, ready to help create something truly special. Then the love slowly shrinks as time (and this song) goes on until I throw away the final useless nubbin of it without even trying to listen to the last nonsensical minute for fear of brain hemorrhaging.

She begins her exploration of love simply enough: with a comparison to a rubber band. She says it comes and goes and pins her like a trampoline. Aguilera is obviously referring to the new invention of auto-rubber bands. They are equipped with micro-sensors which detect a need for rubber bands. They come and go as the need for them shifts. She also refers to the recently revealed "pinning trampoline." unlike every other trampoline in the world which has the sole purpose of propelling the user as far away from it as possible, this trampoline pins you down until you tap. These are currently mainly used to deter children from the recreational use of the dangerous, non-pinning type of trampoline. This verse serves to convince the reader that she is knowledgeable about new technology, and can, by logical extension, serve as an expert on office supplies, and by further logical extension, on love.

Her love of office supplies is fully expressed in the next verse when she tries to describe her love. She could have gone the traditional way and not used office supplies. But she is a rebel, and a nerd. She starts off simply enough: "If I was a ruler, I'd set you straight." Seeing as rulers are used as straight edges, this seems to make sense. But rulers don't in and of themselves make things straight. They can be used to draw a straight line or used as a guide to judge how straight something is. We can gather from this that she means she would physically straighten him out. We can't be certain, but this may refer to his bad posture or perhaps a broken appendage that needs to be set straight. The second option follows Aguilera's wording more than anything to do with posture, so we can deduce Aguilera's boy has some sort of broken leg, etc. We are not sure if he got this as a result of jumping on the dangerous, non-pinning trampoline from verse 1, but the signs do point to it.

Aguilera goes on to say that the comparison fits "Cause once I'm trying to bounce, you pull me back/And when I try to come to you, you give me slack." The first line makes sense if we are indeed talking about truly elastic love. The second takes some deep intellectualizing. So when she comes back, there is slack. This means that either the love has grown or it is stretched out, deformed almost. Or it could be slack like you'd give your dog on his leash. If you don't trust your dog, there is very little slack. If you do, then you slowly give him some slack to test him. If this is how Aguilera meant it, then she is the dog and is being tested by her owner/boyfriend. This could explain her obsession with inanimate office supplies.

Though an office supply aficionado she is, a grammartarian she is not. She says "the rubber band was an analogy, you can even say it was a metaphor." No. It can't be both. They are different things, so it can't be both. It's plainly not a metaphor, as a metaphor would be something like "our love is a rubber band," or "this song is a steaming pile of doodoo." It could have been an analogy if she had said something like "our love is like a rubberband," or "this song is like a cheetah fart." (it stinks and is totally unexpected).

In her last verse in this ballade-ode to the office supply. she says "If we were gaffer tape maybe we could spend the summer/You could say your piece, you could post it on paper/When your love hits, it sticks me like a stapler." For those not familiar with gaffer tape (including myself until I Googled it), it is a very strong tape, much like duct tape. The advantage to gaffer's tape, though, is that it an be removed without residue. Using this knowledge, w can see that Aguilera wants a summer fling. She does not want their love to be like duct tape, where they become too attached and in the end must remove it quickly to avoid it hurting. Nor does she want Scotch tape, which is flimsy and unreliable in high-pressure situations. She continues along these lines, saying he could write his piece on a post-it. From this we see that the communication between the two is shaky at best. Much like the roommate who leaves passive-aggressive post-its around the apartment, Aguilera wants to avoid both confrontation and real communication. His love-filled post-it will no doubt be crumpled up and thrown away, along with every other blank post-its in the house. Our final detail about this troubled love is that his love hits her like a stapler. As anyone knows who has been accidentally stapled, it is only a minor annoyance. Sure, it stings a little, but nothing that last more than a day. Thus, the love between these two is so inconsequential to her that she says she will not remember it after a few days if she's no reminded by a pastel yellow square.

This song really exemplifies Aguilera's strength. She takes an object and writes a line involving some verb/adjective relating to the object. She then takes another and does the same, twisting words and their pronunciations to make them rhyme. In this case, even though it doesn't really make sense for a song about love to be described by random office supplies, she does it anyway. Not one of her analogies makes sense, especially the main one of a rubber band. Yet she perseveres through this minor setback and makes a song that really gets people talking. Even if it is about whether or not she needs to be taken back to the third grade. Again. There's really not much else to say about this hot mess of garbled analogies and mixed metaphors warped and twisted into 4 minutes of nonsensically rhyming, strained lines, which in the end only leave the listener wondering if Aguilera will end up taking that job offer from Staples.

According to You by Orianthi

This song has many layers, and it's easy to get lost in the complexity. I feel that it is thus necessary to deviate from my normal structure and break this song down into an easily read chart. I have included the generally accepted +/- values for each attribute. For example, she admits to being stupid, so it's minus 10 points for her overall score. If the pluses outweigh the minuses, she is dateable. If not, she will die alone. Hopefully this method will lead us to a deeper understanding of Orianthi.

According to you According to Him

Stupid(-10) Beautiful(+10)

Useless(-10) Incredible(+10)

Can't do anything right(-10) Unable to leave his mind(0)

Difficult(-5) Funny(+10)

Hard to please(-5) Irresistible(+5)

Forever changing her mind(-7) Everything he ever wanted(+10)

Mess in a dress(-5) Weird ass name(+/-5)

Can't show up on time(-8) Lead singer of band(+10)

Boring(-10) Has a vagina(+30)

Moody(-7) Has boobs(+20)

Not fit to take in public(-8)

Terrible joke teller(-4)

Awful attention span(-2)

Need to feel appreciated(0)

Easily made dizzy(-1)

Repetitive(-5)

NOTE: attributes not explicitly referenced in the song appear in italics. These have been deduced from the style of the song, not necessarily the lyrics.

Totalling up what we know about this girl, we have -102 in the debits column, and between +95 and +105 (most of the points coming from the fact that she is a female) in the credits column, meaning we are undecided as to whether or not she is dateable. It comes down to her having a random weirdass name. There are pros and cons to a ridiculous name like Orianthi. Example: let's say you're going to Starbucks with her and she insists on ordering for you guys (because she is difficult as we have established). She will, of course, instinctively use her own name. This will lead to one of two situations. #1: the waitress will fuck her name up and the cup will read "Oriental" or "Whore Auntie." After this, she will try to tell a joke, but she will give it away, and awkward silence will ensue. If you value your relationship with your barista, the weird ass name things is deal breaker. Situation #2:She will use a fake name like Sandy or Julie in order to avoid any confusion. In this case, the mystery and luster of her unique name is essentially lost, and there is no reason to put up with her weird ass name. There are also several advantages to having a girlfriend with the name Orianthi. Since we have no idea where she is from or the origins of the name, you can be an expert on hundreds of cultures. Anything from Ethiopia to India to Iceland is now your intellectual domain. Whenever anyone brings up a country where it sounds like Orianthi could be a name, you can speak as the expert. "Why yes, Niger is the world's leading goat cheese exporting nation in the world. My girlfriend is from there." Or "no, dumbass, the capital of Cambodia is Cambodia City, not Phnom Phen. I know. Oriatnhi is Cambodian." This seems to be the only reason to date her: impressing your friends with your worldliness. If you find yourself in desperate need of impressing your friends, and you don't mind a difficult, boring girlfriend, then you should date Orianthi. Thus, we can see that the "you" in this song is more concerned with the name, and the "him" really cares what his friends think of him.

Your Love by Nicki Minaj

First impression: mentioning Bruce Willis and Die Hard has endreared me to this quiet, bashful young lady. But she seems unclear on the plot of Die Hard, as Bruce doesn’t actually die. Maybe she means that “for your love I’d fight a bunch of Germans with semi-automatic weapons who are holding someone I love hostage and try to steal bonds, and then I'd go on a scavenger hunt with Samuel L Jackson to try to save a bunch of kids and someone I love, and lastly I'd save a plane from mercenaries who have taken over a flight and plan to crash it with someone I love on board.” Her way is catchier, but I feel my way is less ambiguous as to Minaj’s meaning.

Second impression: she had a terrible mother. She says he’s a candy store and she’s a toddler, implying she, the toddler, would like candy. I don’t know what her mother was feeding her, but toddlers need vitamins, not Fun Dip. This development may explain Minaj’s frenetic “rap” style. She’s been hooked on “sugar” since before she could walk (she does say “you got me wantin mo mo mo”. Sounds like the behavior of an addict to me.

Minaj’s goes on to describe the man for whom she pines. He wears tags on his shirts, wears a hat and a du rag, and goes to the gym. She says she met him sometime before, either in a past life or a little while ago in the studio. So far she has given me nothing to go on to figure out who this guy is. She says she is ready to save him and she is the one like Tracy McGrady. Always the Die Hard (see what I did there?) basketball fan, Minaj has artfully injected visions of two again, decrepit former all-stars: Shaq and T-Mac. We can only assume her man has some of the qualities these two possess: riches, bad knees, bad back, lots of jewelry, nicknames, a leanring diability, bad rapping skills, a weight problem, an easily impersonable voice, and/or a name that makes you hungry. This could still desribe thousands of men. Let’s see if the next verse gives us SOME sort of insight.

We now know that the reason he’s like T-Mac is because he has lots of money ($28 million for playing 30 games last year alone). He makes her scream like summer jam (?) and is from the motherland. According to her Wikipedia page, Minaj is of afro-Trinidadian and indo-trinidadian descent. So the motherland could be Africa or Trinidad. she says she met him in the swai, obviously referring to the swai shark, native to asia. This is confirmed when she says she was a Geisha and he a sumurai. We can now infer that the motherland refers to Trinidad, and her man is Asian, because he speaks Thai, is a sumurai, loves swai, and is the most rhyming man in the world. She again mentions that she is Superman and says she changed her name. We are left unsure as to the name on the certifcate, but my money says it rhymes with Sbruce Swillis or Sclark Skent.

In the end, we are left with more questions than answers. How does a sumarai speak Thai? Japan was very rigid in those days about fraternization with Thai people. Why does a toddler crave candy like a crack addict? WHat's Nicki Minaj's name going to be? Nicki Ochocinco? Does Nicki Minaj get surgery and change her identity into that of a man? If so, is the boy she’s singing about actually a girl? This leads to more questions. Is this like Mulan, and a girl became a sumuari without the knowledge of the Japanese? And then there’s the verse about Adam and Eve, which I have skipped due to its sensitive and controversial nature. If we are to believe that the singer and his/her guy/gal are Asian, is this some commentary on reincarnation? Are we to beleive that we could all have been different races before this life? Does my urge to drive badly and eat Pho mean I was Asian in a past life? Does my affinity for Ecko clothes and Timbalands (and the fact that I totally rock em) mean I'm part black too? I hope so. I'm getting tired of the awkward looks/glances/beatings.

Like a Boy by Ciara

First impression: Ciara starts by naming things men can do but women can’t: pull up ones pants, take out the trash, be fast, put security codes on electronics, and put ones phone on vibrate. We’ve already established Lady Gaga can’t do that last one, so this song holds weight so far.

Ciara quickly expresses a desire for all those aforementioned things which her gender precludes her from. She wishes she could say I love you and then not call that person back. This is an obvious wish of many women. As a whole, women dread commitment and would love to never have to say “I love you.” I assume she would also be willing to take out the trash and would of course put her phone on vibrate. She then says she'd ask her man pressing and invasive questions such as “where you be at?” But she then says she’d be on the corner, doing her own thing. This is a classic female technique: ask a question when you already know the answer. She probably hired a private investigator (on her man’s dime, no doubt) to tail him. Far be it from me to pass judgment, but if I was out until 4 and didn’t give anyone warning I’d be out that late, and my girlfriend asked me where I was, I would just think she cared. But you go with what you know, and Ciara is an uncaring bitch, and assumes everyone else would be too. She has a lot in common with Riskay. For what it’s worth, I’d gladly let her stay out til four in the morning if she took out the trash.

She then asks “what if I had a thing on the side.” Ciara is obviously still hungup on cell phones (pun intended), and longs to have a holster which she could use to hold her phone. Since she can’t put it on vibrate, she needs to be able to answer the phone quickly, as to not disturb anyone around. This is genius. Moving on, she asks whether or not a cell phone holster would change things ("would the rules change up or would they still apply")? Would he show her how to put her cell phone on vibrate if he would always have to be seen with someone who wears a cell phone like a dueling pistol? She finishes by cursing the sky, wishing she was a boy.

Ciara then informs us that there are more things men are able to do, but she cannot. They can run the streets (it hurts her knees at anything more than a jog), come home late and sleep (she doesn't want to take her Ambien if she’s not getting a full night’s sleep, so she lays awake at night), be nice to your friends, act hard, keep a straight face, have friends, walk a mile in, presumably, stylish sneaks, and of course drive (ok, I made that one up). She expresses her overwhelming desire to be a man and be able to do these things.

There really isn’t much analysis for this one. After arranging all the pieces in list form, the song reveals Ciara’s true wish: to be a man. In a classic example of Freudian penis envy, Ciara is jealous of all the things men get to do, like taking out the trash. I can only assume that since this song is so envious of men, she’d only include things she wants to do. But this song has a deeper message: women are bad with electronics. She mentions cell phones explicitly and implicitly, with the end result of the listener being bludgeoned to death over the head with her message. It’s all in the song if you look hard enough.